She knows I've been reading...

[blakmac]

Someone sent me screenshots of all of her Facebook posts that are still on her timeline since she left.

There are a few about dissociation, wishing she could help someone but knowing they need to help themselves...

This is really getting more confusing as it goes.

I'm wondering if she didn't want me at the appointment because she was going to try to address some of her own issues, but wasn't comfortable talking about them around me because she'd be afraid that I'd use them against her...?

I'm staying the course. I'm still going to take our S to his appointment.

I just wish that she would open up a little more, because if she was having more serious mental health issues, I would tend to be a bit more understanding.

Ugh. Now I feel like I'm doing the right thing...but at what cost?

[EricC]

I'm supposed to be polite, respectful, and positive, and simultaneously give no @#$^& about what she's doing?

It is quite confusing, but... imagine that you talk to a stranger (like me) when you actually talk to her. If I tell you that I have problems, will you give me unsolicited advice? Will you ask me why I need a babysitter, and where I am going tonight?

This is the hard part about detaching. You have to respect her decision to split, enough to treat her politely as if she is a remote acquaintance.

On the other hand, you can enforce the same to her. "Where are you? Atlantic City Who is with you? Friends. What are you doing there? Stuff." That way, she will understand what it means for her to detach from you.

In an earlier post you said:

I'm keeping my son all weekend. That always makes me anxious because she has a lot of free time when she's not working. BUT...I'm doing everything I can to just not think about it.

It is a torture. I know. However, you need (mainly for your son's sake and for your own sake) to focus to being his father above everything else. If she chooses to go out with guys when you are with him, that is her problem. Your main problem should be how not to affect your son in this situation.

Focus on your son, and focus on getting a job. Getting a good job was a game changer for me.

[EricC]

I think she'd do or say just about anything to keep her mind thinking that I'm wrong.

Absolutely. That is why do not take it personally, and definitely do not get worked up by what she says.

[EricC]

I'm wondering if she...

I just wish that she...

Please work on interrupting thoughts that start as the above. They do not lead to anything good.

Now I feel like I'm doing the right thing...but at what cost?

You are trying to do what is best for your son. that that is great. Not sure what costs you are talking about, but they seem imaginary to me. I think you need more time to detach.

[blakmac]

The cost I'm referring to is the marriage.

I'm going on as if it's over. Because right now, it is.

Honestly, I'm worried about her well-being right now. And I know that's her battle to fight. I'm wondering if she was going to talk to the psychologist about her problems, and wasn't ready to talk to me, and wondering if I messed that all up. Because she really DOES need to do that.

I'm definitely second-guessing myself. I'm not trying to derail her healing at all, I'm only trying to step up and handle this in the best way that I can. I keep thinking that I'm doing something wrong, even when I know I'm doing what I need to. I absolutely have some issues with how I view myself. I am trying to be more positive, but this is all very, very draining and I keep losing focus.

DB is absolutely the most difficult thing I've ever done. I just wish that I could see results faster...and I know I have to be patient. Ugh. Being patient is difficult. lol

[blakmac]

Okay, so there's definitely something to this GAL thing.

No, I haven't seen results really with the W. But I have noticed that getting out and exercising is making a definite difference. I'm down just over 31 lbs, feeling physically pretty good, and I've noticed that some other ladies are taking notice...not interested, but it definitely is a confidence boost. I'd like to think my W would raise eyebrows in a positive way, but I haven't run into her yet, and I'm not really in a big hurry to.

I guess that's how it works...feel better, raise your confidence levels...then they start seeing what they're missing out on...

Anyway, I know it's not specific to the situation at hand, but I wanted to share because without yall's advice, I would probably still be sitting around crying my head off, eating too much, and not doing anything at all.

Thanks for the advice and motivation! You guys and gals are awesome. I'll keep you all posted.

I don't know that there's enough posts about what GAL feels like, but then, I haven't really looked that hard for them...but I'm more motivated than ever this morning. So...truly...thank you all.

[SteveLW]

bm, keep up the good work!

[Tobias]

I have often wondered what would happen if my W discovered I had read DR or see my postings here. My name is not my real name but I think there is enough detail in the posts that she would know it was me.

And I cannot help but think.... it wouldn't matter.

If our changes are to be believed they have to be long term. You cannot really fake that.

So even though she saw you had the book and may have even looked it up...and even though she said I hope you don't think we get back together... I think if she notices legitimate and authentic changes that that alone is enough.

[blakmac]

I think that a WW wouldn't really be trying to look for "how to save a marriage" websites. At least, mine isn't.

I doubt most would.

Which means this is an advantage for us.

[HelenaJ]

Great job! So glad to see you focusing on what is best for S regardless of what W thinks. Also great that you're exercising and feeling better about yourself in general. Keep it up!