X remarried last month, weeks after our D was finalized, and he did not invite our kids to the wedding. Has not seen any of them in 20 months - (ie when we separated.)
Of course, there was "overlap" of our m with his new one...
But My feelings aside, when I heard he was marrying OW I literally thought to myself,
"what an idiot x is." I even had a moment of pity and SMH for him b/c I thought, "you never learned to be alone. You NEED an admirer so badly that you'll throw away all the shared history and wound the 4 who loved you the most just so your fragile ego gets a bandaid and you won't be - God forbid, alone with yourself."
Recently I've seen him more as a tragic figure than anything else. It helps me diffuse the anger without seeing him in a flattering & false light.
Because leaving any marriage and entering a new R quickly, is foolish. To leave a 35 year marriage to enter another partner's bed in a "FULL BLOWN M" is utterly lacking in insight.
I believe x has learned nothing useful or healthy since we parted ways. I believe he's spending energy avoiding the damage he directly caused and the collateral damage is something he cannot face either.
In fact, he's doubled down on many of his distortions of victimhood. Just one example is x complaining about the "dangerous drives home on Friday nights to make everyone happy - I BLED for you & I'm exhausted..." (those are quotes).
REALITY CHECK - x insisted on living 4 hours N of us, over my strong objections. It was his solo decision, based on flawed data, too. To hear him now see himself as a victim/martyr is just weirdly inaccurate.
The distortions are many and they go very deep. His narrative has swaths of amnesia (like him taking all the marital money from a joint account, is simply not discussed.
Worse, His not paying for d20's college, while listing the "college educations" HE paid for as more proof of his being "a good father" . I mean, did he literally forget that he cut D20 off last year?? ) Jim, we release them to their journey, even if they drive thru a cornfield and off a cliff.
I did my best for a very long time. (Probably too long, but that regret is both useless and unknowable).
If I knew then what I know now, I'd have held him more accountable & a lot sooner.
It would either have ended the M sooner, which would mean I was 10+ years younger & more easily back in the work force, and probably in a much healthier R, OR it would have changed things in the m. I find that doubtful, though, given the things x has done which show a surprising capacity for cruelty and long term dishonesty. So I'm guessing I would have cut him loose a lot earlier.
What I can tell you is that despite my remarks and journalling here, I am getting to the other side. It is a 2 steps forward, one back, process. But on the whole, more and more, I look forward to MY future. And I don't want to factor others in the choices I make, for the first time in my life. (Of course if the kids needed me, I'd be back. )
But deciding where to live, what to eat, and what job to take or do, is ALL MINE to make. And it's freeing me, finally. No more pretzeling myself and my career (what career??) to accommodate x's relentless changing goals (which always involved more money, btw).
Do you have a good solid T to help guide you and keep you on track? I do.
And no matter how he treats his new wife, he did not treat me or our children well, for a long time. We were not a priority of his and I did not truly believe that, until the past 6 months. My kids saw it years ago. I refused to.
So, who or what is your w's priority? YOU? The Status quo? Unknown? Do you fear she has Secrets?
Finally, one more point.
I read an article about how to see our new R's (and what we ought to have had in our marriages).
It's the "F--k YES!" factor.
So when I date a man, I don't want to date someone who seems on the fence, or frequently has doubts about his feelings or our R.
I want, and now require a man who says "F- YES!" when asked if he and I ought to spend time together. Not forcing a marriage, by any means.
But I refuse to spend my remaining time on earth wondering where I stand with someone who should freaking know & show it with some gusto.
Do you believe that you deserve this?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
