Help...Confused Newbie Pt3

[ballast]

The ONLY reason I can think of for W not to want to talk/try is maybe she has an OM EA/PA and she is happy with it. But IC thinks not and I have not tried to find out.

[Davide]

Ballast,

Our situations sound very similar apart from the lack of children on my end. We cant divorce for one year either. My wife has never spoken of divorce (though she did tell me that she didnt want to be married). That was the last relationship talk we had and that was about one month post BD. I got one anguished email wondering about what she was doing, but that was it. Otherwise all communication has been logistical, housekeeping type of stuff. I dont have much more reason to hope than you do. Other than the fact that it is really early.

Listen, I am not blaming you at all. However, I know that while my W made the decision to walk because of her own issues, I was not the best man or husband I could have been. My codependency and neediness put a lot of stress on the relationship. I'm not saying that was your case at all, however, all either one of us can do right now is work on improving ourselves. We need to focus on that. If we can make ourselves into the best men we can be and our Ws still want to walk - that is on them, and they will be missing out.

Like you said, there will be no divorce for much of a year, so using that time to work on yourself and being patient are the best things you can do right now. What do you want to be in 8 months? What are your goals?

Hang tough.

[ballast]

Davide/all...as I say I know it's only the start of month 4 for me but I mean if she was a GF and not a W that amount of time would have her long gone. Perhaps because that is my only frame of reference the thought that 6-9 months down the line she has a change of heart seems so preposterous to me. Best I know she's still not happy, BUT she has at least started in her planning mind to starting talking about splitting the house, finances, etc.

And no worries about blame. Trust me I'm already VERY hard on myself. I feel the blame is mine. I walk by guys at work these days, see their ring on their finger and wonder why "I" could not make my marriage work. I only wanted to make her happy, was faithful and loved my family, but it wasn't enough. The most I can come up with day to day is that I didn't go spend time with her after our D went down at night, but my only rationale was that the hour or so she had left in her day was all she had for HER time. Last night I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I ended up taking my ring out from the night stand, putting it on my finger and fell to sleep just saying "It matters". I did take it back off this AM, the hypocrisy of taking it off and then wanting to put it back on weighs heavy on me.

W will return from her trip soon and within a few days she'll be back into the grind and so her unhappiness will probably return. At this point I'm just trying to live for myself and my D. Somehow in the time I have remaining before W files, I need to decide on my living arrangement, my desire for custody of D and hopefully just be accepting that the entire life I had built with her will have been destroyed.

I am so sorry to sound so negative. I'm really not a complete shambles of a man outwardly. I'm just struggling mightily with having the most precious thing I cherished in my life taken away with nothing that I can do to stop, change or fix it. I have scoured these forums to find ANYBODY who has had a W leave, not contact their LBS and then come back, I haven't seen a single example. I do take the great advice that sandi provides in her posts, BUT one thing that sticks out to me is that she had an underlying religious faith/relationship with God that I do not think my W has. I think that for WW who do turn around having that underlying faith is a very important aspect.

The one thing that I have the most of is friends, family and all of you here to help support me through this time. Oh and an IC who says W is a mess, is unable to be emotionally vulnerable and her leaving was not my fault. Back at work today after having SO much fun with my D. She did not want me to go back to work and good Lord did I not want to! At least for the love of God I wish my W would want to talk with me at least for the life and happiness of my D. I guess we'll see how time unfolds.

Thank you all! I really do appreciate more than words can say the fellowship and support each of you has provided to me...

[LoneWlf]

I have scoured these forums to find ANYBODY who has had a W leave, not contact their LBS and then come back, I haven't seen a single example.

Ballast if you have been reading these stitches you will see that ItHurts had NC with W for 4 years and now he is in the process of possibly recon but he is also in a better frame of mind to handle it. It will be something he chooses to want not need. Ballast I am like you I wake up for the purposes of serving my family. It was my dream come true and now it is shattered. As the board advocates focus on your self and your D -not only will you become better but it is the best survival technique available. Stay Well!!

[Rawpain]

I really miss wearing my wedding ring. I took mine off as soon as she left and regret it.
I want to wear it but I dont want it to come across as being needy if she notices it.

[Davide]

Ballast,

It's totally okay to use this as a space to vent. I certainly do that from time to time as well.

Did you read the Benito thread? That was written after the fact, but it sounds like he and his wife had about 4 months of NC as well. I certainly read stories like that in the wise-heads thread as well. I definitely dont think there is a lack of precedent there.

When I left the house I left my wedding ring on the dresser. My wife later told me that she put it away because it hurt too much to keep looking at it, so at this point I dont even know where it is. I would probably wear it at this point, but I am not about to ask her where it is. I get the ambivalence and confusion there.

[ballast]

Davide, see at least you have gotten some words of feeling from your W regarding your ring. My W is so closed off emotionally...her exterior personality is that of a rough, tough, nothing bothers me, I can't be hurt...instead of showing me a vulnerable, emotional woman. IC says she is unable for some reason to be vulnerable enough to open up, likely a former bad R, which means unless/until she can, there's no chance for us to even talk about the MR in any way.

Pain/Wlf thank you both...Pain yes me thinking of putting it back on is like "I will stand for my M until she ends it" but I do as well fear that my wearing it will/would be seen as needy, almost passive/aggressive pursuit. If I were to put it back on now after having had it off for a period of time, no idea what/how that might make her feel. Not like it matters anyway, but I am conflicted having it off right now. Like ACC would say that's because the "new normal" has me feeling out of control and by putting it back on, I might believe a sense of normalcy would return.

[Accuray]

This is my 2nd marriage and best as I can see will be 2nd D. It's hard not to feel myself the common denominator.

There are few cases in life where a sample set of only two proves any kind of rule, but if you believe you are the common denominator there are two possible explanations for that:

1) you're doing something in the relationship to push people away (which you don't think you're doing)

2) you're choosing people who are emotionally unavailable or have commitment issues

an IC who says W is a mess, is unable to be emotionally vulnerable and her leaving was not my fault.

Hmm, maybe its number 2 -- perhaps good to talk to IC about why you're choosing emotionally unavailable partners. There's good work for you on that front. Have you read "Getting the love you want?"

How/why I've been nothing but a failure at M when so many others seem to do just fine baffles me. I'm just not sure I even want to see the other side again. It seems to me women no longer truly commit as in prior generations for better or worse.

Just because someone is wearing a ring doesn't mean they're in a successful or happy marriage. Be careful of your assumptions about women -- there are an equal number of walk away husbands here. Also be careful about your assumptions about prior generations. Marriages were no more happy then, people were just less willing to leave a bad situation. There is no "grass is green" happy unicorn marriage land. Relationships are hard and most relationships fail over time. That's just the reality and you're living it. That doesn't make you a failure.

Just don't know what to say/think anymore. I've detached from her, leaving her be, seems like all that's done is convince her the R is over, we should file for D and move on.

The alternative would have been to pursue her, chase her farther away, increase her resentment and make things worse. In the spirit of Winston Churchill DB is the worst approach except for all the others.

One wise IC counseled me that I had to give up the illusion that I had a choice here that doesn't suck. Every choice before you [censored], that's just how it is. Accept that and choose the least sucky path for YOU.

I sit here and think maybe what I'm doing is all wrong, maybe if I emailed/texted her how I've been feeling we could at least begin to talk. Maybe date, start over, etc. But I don't send her anything nor act on it. So I just live my life and wait til she pulls the trigger and sets me free to the other side as you say.

Good, I'm glad you're not acting on that. You should speak to a telephone coach on this site. They can help you. Its money very well spent, particularly for how you're feeling right now.

I'm just struggling mightily with having the most precious thing I cherished in my life taken away with nothing that I can do to stop, change or fix it.

Yes! That's exactly what you're struggling with. If you examine that closely it really has very little to do with W as a person, its more about what she represents.

My W is so closed off emotionally...her exterior personality is that of a rough, tough, nothing bothers me, I can't be hurt...instead of showing me a vulnerable, emotional woman.

This is the same woman who freaked out when you took your ring off and accused you of cheating right?

Acc

[AnotherStander]

have scoured these forums to find ANYBODY who has had a W leave, not contact their LBS and then come back, I haven't seen a single example. I do take the great advice that sandi provides in her posts, BUT one thing that sticks out to me is that she had an underlying religious faith/relationship with God that I do not think my W has. I think that for WW who do turn around having that underlying faith is a very important aspect.

Like Acc said you are engaging in a LOT of "stinking thinking". You are spinning the worst possible scenarios and outcomes for everything. Such pessimistic thinking will prevent you from growing as a person and will surround you with a black cloud that NO ONE, especially your W, will want to be a part of. I've been here a lot longer than you and assure you I have seen many recons that came against all kinds of different "impossible" scenarios. A very good friend of mine went through the exact scenario you said is unrecoverable. His W suddenly left him and immediately moved in with an OM. They had a home and a business together. They liquidated everything and she went no contact for almost 2 years. Then she pinged him and they started talking again, then having lunch, then dinner and a movie, etc. etc. They moved back in together about 4 years ago and have been not just content, but REALLY happy ever since. Their sex life is through the roof despite them both being in their 60's. And neither of them is religious at all, so that was definitely not a factor. He doesn't know anything about DB'ing but he came about it naturally. He gave his W time and space and went about doing his own thing. Guess what he changed about himself? Nothing. He didn't do a bunch of 180's that drew his W back, he just left her alone and eventually she figured out she had made a huge mistake leaving him.

I'm sure now you'll say "but that's only one example" because, again, you're engaging in negative thinking. This isn't a game of numbers, you don't need a thousand examples to see recon is possible, only one. ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.

[Tobias]

focus on YOU and you will see positive changes

People are very complex. Marriage or any relationship for that matter is hard work. It really is a mess we make of things due to a variety of factors.

But if you focus on you you will attract people (maybe your WW maybe someone else). But if you focus on you you will realize that you deserve to be treated with respect as well.

But what you describe as your W being closed off may hide a deep depression or fear. You cannot look inside of her. Who knows WHAT she is thinking? But I can tell you this much: IF there is a chance for you two to reconnect and she is interested she WILL keep an eye out. She WILL notice changes about you.

So control what you can control and that is YOU. I know...I know...that is easier said than done. But there are no downsides to that. Only upsides.