Help...Confused Newbie Pt3

[Accuray]

This is my 2nd marriage and best as I can see will be 2nd D. It's hard not to feel myself the common denominator.

There are few cases in life where a sample set of only two proves any kind of rule, but if you believe you are the common denominator there are two possible explanations for that:

1) you're doing something in the relationship to push people away (which you don't think you're doing)

2) you're choosing people who are emotionally unavailable or have commitment issues

an IC who says W is a mess, is unable to be emotionally vulnerable and her leaving was not my fault.

Hmm, maybe its number 2 -- perhaps good to talk to IC about why you're choosing emotionally unavailable partners. There's good work for you on that front. Have you read "Getting the love you want?"

How/why I've been nothing but a failure at M when so many others seem to do just fine baffles me. I'm just not sure I even want to see the other side again. It seems to me women no longer truly commit as in prior generations for better or worse.

Just because someone is wearing a ring doesn't mean they're in a successful or happy marriage. Be careful of your assumptions about women -- there are an equal number of walk away husbands here. Also be careful about your assumptions about prior generations. Marriages were no more happy then, people were just less willing to leave a bad situation. There is no "grass is green" happy unicorn marriage land. Relationships are hard and most relationships fail over time. That's just the reality and you're living it. That doesn't make you a failure.

Just don't know what to say/think anymore. I've detached from her, leaving her be, seems like all that's done is convince her the R is over, we should file for D and move on.

The alternative would have been to pursue her, chase her farther away, increase her resentment and make things worse. In the spirit of Winston Churchill DB is the worst approach except for all the others.

One wise IC counseled me that I had to give up the illusion that I had a choice here that doesn't suck. Every choice before you [censored], that's just how it is. Accept that and choose the least sucky path for YOU.

I sit here and think maybe what I'm doing is all wrong, maybe if I emailed/texted her how I've been feeling we could at least begin to talk. Maybe date, start over, etc. But I don't send her anything nor act on it. So I just live my life and wait til she pulls the trigger and sets me free to the other side as you say.

Good, I'm glad you're not acting on that. You should speak to a telephone coach on this site. They can help you. Its money very well spent, particularly for how you're feeling right now.

I'm just struggling mightily with having the most precious thing I cherished in my life taken away with nothing that I can do to stop, change or fix it.

Yes! That's exactly what you're struggling with. If you examine that closely it really has very little to do with W as a person, its more about what she represents.

My W is so closed off emotionally...her exterior personality is that of a rough, tough, nothing bothers me, I can't be hurt...instead of showing me a vulnerable, emotional woman.

This is the same woman who freaked out when you took your ring off and accused you of cheating right?

Acc