I was a bit reluctant to post here again since I feel that I got extremely lucky in my sitch. Well, I had to work hard at it and if you read through my posts you can see an emotional rollercoaster.
But if only one other person can find some kind of recognition and or relief than it will be worth it.
My W is leaving on July 11th but we are in such a better place. There is even talks about a recommitment ceremony. She has taken her depression seriously and is more upset about me not being able to move immediately with her. She told me the other day that she feels positive about us and her actions definitely speak louder than her words.
We still have our issues every now and then but we seem to resolve them quicker and more as a team.
When I was young I was diagnosed with ADHD and recently I suspected I deal with high anxiety. our MC suggested I may have high functioning autism and while I was dismissive it meant a lot to my W that I went for a diagnosis/assessment and guess what? He was torn between high anxiety/ADD and high functioning autism but the conclusion was the latter.
It seemed to have made it easier for my W to accept/understand some of the things that happened. I am still skeptical as I think anxiety plays a larger role but in the end it doesn't really matter. There definitely are things that I recognize that fit with that diagnosis.
I feel extremely fortunate we are here and we often tell each other how we compare last year to this year and how amazingly better it is. We even got to do a redo. Last year we had commencement at our university and the same day we went to go see a concert (this was before I discovered about OM and in fact she had a PA with him the night before). This year we skipped commencement but went to another concert. It was not intentionally planned but we laughed at the coincidence.
Last year I also went on a trip alone after my W encouraged me but in the car ride to the airport I had this really weird feeling I needed to return. When I came back a few days later I had evidence that there was OM. This year I went with friends to a festival and we had a communication plan ready to go.
Sometimes I regret not taking this more serious anytime in our 10 years of knowing each other but alas there is nothing I can do about that.
Our MC has told us over and over that it is amazing and rare how supportive we are of each other's career.
Not much else to say here (which is good) but if people want advice. the DR book is really useful but I think the key advice is to observe and adjust based on your own situation. Don't be stubborn but DO reflect on what the best action step is. I kept talking on here about my instinct and I am glad I did.
Definitely DO look at how your SO is reacting. In my case she was first defensive over OM and reluctant to break contact but thanks to MC (who became our IC) she slowly broke that contact. She now is mostly upset and feels she was taken advantage of but she did say she started feeling in love with me after noticing what OM was like and how I was better. It is still painful and there are moments where I just want to be so mad but ultimately I love her and I recognize flaws in my behavior as well. I wish it never happened but I am not seeing it as an obstacle to our future. So the advice on how to deal with a WW Sandi2 has amazing advice but DO reflect on specifics. YMMV.
The GAL is great advice and I definitely could have done more but it helped. I used to walk around and it made me lose weight and I felt better. I remember going to see a movie alone and when I came back my W said she was sad I went without her. It made her realize what she was about to lose.
Don't tell people. I told a few and I regretted it later especially when my W and I were doing better. I was desperate and needed consolation and someone to listen to me but if you do...pick someone that only you know or have a meaningful friendship with.
DO reflect on your own role. No matter what the other person did...be honest and think of ANYTHING that you can do better. This is hard. I am stubborn and I kept justifying things with "well she did this and she did that". It doesn't matter.
DO think about if you want to be with this person. Yes, financial and emotional reasons can keep us say yes easily but do see this as an opportunity to think about if you are better off alone (or with someone else).
This forum is amazing. I feel bad not coming here more often so I can offer feedback to others but there are a lot of caring people here.
