You are obviously in a very bleak place. And it is easy to feel that way, but let some time pass. Read all of Cadet's links. That homework is crucial.
My W, under pressure on BD, agreed to MC. And then quickly backed down from that in the days following BD. The counselor I picked to do IC with (who also does MC) encouraged her to attend the first session. That way if she started attending later she didn't feel it was a team up against her. She ended up going to all sessions following that.
Couple of things. Do not tell her you are willing to change, going to change, or have changed. Just do it. Actions speak louder than words. In fact, actions are the only way to speak around changes since she will not believe your words. This is why our writing a letter and reading it to her had/has little effect.
Let me repeat, you can not talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. And you will only end up frustrated if you try.
So read cadet's stuff. Detach (please study what that means, it doesn't mean ignoring her or going dark), 180s (institute changes that got you where you are, and 180 on any behavior that works against you not for you), GAL (this one is huge, I'll explain in a moment), and be the best you can be, be the H your W would be a fool to leave.
Getting a life is a huge key to potential success. The temptation after BD is for the LBH to want to spend more time with, talk more with, and include in more things their WAW. This is the exact opposite of what your W wants right now. Right now she wants time and space. Give it to her. You get out and do things with other people. You stay busy, stay active, start working out and eating right.
Another thing to remember, remain patient. It will take time and you need to remember that. You can't fix in days what it took years to get into. So remain patient.
Detach and give her space, GAL, institute 180s, and be the best you can be. That's what you can control right now, not her. And read sandi's rules. Learn them, memorize them, and adhere to them.
It will and does get better. Try to relax and get sleep. I know after BD I don't think I slept more than 3 hours at a time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
