W and I have been married almost 17 years. No kids together, she has 2 D's from her first M and I have 1 S from my first marriage. I love my inlaws more than my own parents. Get along great with her brother. My family is broken at best, so I kept my family away from our marriage.
Lost my job after a hard fight to keep it in May 2016. I did not deal with that until recently. Spent 1.5 years being unemployed/underemployed. Eventually lost our savings and our house. I fell off ladder and broke my arm in Oct 17. W had been struggling with female issues for a bit, and had a total hysterectomy in Feb 18 (doing HRT but not sure if it is the right dosage or working). I had shoulder replacement due to my fall on May 2, 2018. It has been pain free, and fixed a shoulder issue that I had been dealing with for years.
I can think of only one time we actually fought and that was about 7 years ago. We never insulted or humiliated each other. We just existed. Had bouts of happiness. Would ask if things were ok and they would be. Figured if we are not fighting and are ok, then we are ok. Now realize we needed communication skills pretty badly. Communication with her was always rational regardless.
I did spend a lot of time on computer playing games. There are times where she wanted to go to a work function or hang out with friends/family, and I would not go. (something i have tried to tell her I am more than willing to do now, but she doesnt beleive me and wont give me chance).
Wife told me she loved me but was not in love with me a few weeks ago. This rocked my world. On top of that, she told me she doesnt even feel like we are friends; she's almost 50 and not sure what she has; spent her life taking care of everyone else and is tired.
Our finances are not terrible and need a little help, but can be taken care of fairly quickly with some consolidation and sale of some assets. Over the past year i did rack up 8K of credit card debt. She never stopped me - said it was a sign of something else (was told this recently).
I know I need to work on myself, and I know I will never live like we have been the past 2 years. She says it will just go back to the same thing eventually.
I started counseling 2 days after the bomb dropped. I asked if we could go to marriage counseling and she said yes. She said she picked a counselor and was waiting on a time.
I had asked if there was an affair going on. She denied. A few days later learned there has been one - some sort of sex act involved but claims it wasnt vaginal because she still has stictches coming out from hysterectomy.
I think i blew up the affair after confronting OM and telling his wife. However, they still work in the same building and not sure if OM and his wife are trying to work it out - by telling her I some how became the bad guy in all this.
My W agreed to meet with my counselor last week. Today learned she will not talk to him again, and that couples counseling is not on her agenda anymore. She wants a D but has not filed...
I wrote a letter, went to the house, and read it to her. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said she was not prepared to talk and would call me tomorrow. I handed her the letter and some other papers she needed signed. I then took off my wedding ring, for the first time in almost 17 years, and handed that to her. I turned around and drove back to this extended stay hotel.
I'm not sure why i am posting this. I can't afford coaching right now cause i can barely afford to live here. Guess I'm feeling lonely or sad for myself.
I do know that I do not want the relationship we had. I want a new one with Jesus as the foundation. I have things I have been and will continue to work on, but its hard. If we had went to counseling before (she never asked or i would have), I feel like I would be ok with all this. But I never got a chance to understand, much less fix, what is going on, and it doesnt appear I ever will.
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hornsfa- Sorry that you are in this position - but welcome to the board. My first suggestion would be to get the DR book and read it secondly read all the links that Cadet posted. You will find some AMAZING people here with incredible insight. Learn how to navigate these difficult times. You need to start focussing on yourself- Practice self care and Stay well!!
M51 w50 T-20Yrs M-16Yrs S15- mad at W for not trying and giving up 1 Awesum dog BD 10/31/17 separate rooms 02/08/18 wife moved out 05/17/18
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I am sorry that you are here, but LoneWlf is right about the great people on the board.
It's always easier to see other people's situations than it is to see your own. From the outside, your situation seems pretty understandable.
You lost your job, you played computer games all day and didn't go out when your wife asked you, you racked up credit card debt. You were most likely depressed, and living with a depressed spouse can really wear one down if one doesn't have excellent self-care skills and strong self-differentiation.
I know the temptation is to focus on the affair, but you can't control that, and that's not the root cause of the problem.
The good news is, you have a lot of work you can do on yourself. Keep your focus there, and work hard to not obsess about what your wife says, or thinks, or whether she notices your changes.
Hang in there. It does get better.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
You need to focus on yourself. Depression is a serious problem and it sounds like you have a lot of work to keep doing on yourself. Talking with an IC is a great step. Do you have any short term goals (about you, not the R)?
Also, why did you move out of the house rather than her? I ask because I did the same thing and think it was a mistake on my part.
Hang in there. You will get some great advice on these boards. You might not always like it, but it will be honest and helpful if you really listen.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
You are obviously in a very bleak place. And it is easy to feel that way, but let some time pass. Read all of Cadet's links. That homework is crucial.
My W, under pressure on BD, agreed to MC. And then quickly backed down from that in the days following BD. The counselor I picked to do IC with (who also does MC) encouraged her to attend the first session. That way if she started attending later she didn't feel it was a team up against her. She ended up going to all sessions following that.
Couple of things. Do not tell her you are willing to change, going to change, or have changed. Just do it. Actions speak louder than words. In fact, actions are the only way to speak around changes since she will not believe your words. This is why our writing a letter and reading it to her had/has little effect.
Let me repeat, you can not talk your way out of a situation you acted your way into. And you will only end up frustrated if you try.
So read cadet's stuff. Detach (please study what that means, it doesn't mean ignoring her or going dark), 180s (institute changes that got you where you are, and 180 on any behavior that works against you not for you), GAL (this one is huge, I'll explain in a moment), and be the best you can be, be the H your W would be a fool to leave.
Getting a life is a huge key to potential success. The temptation after BD is for the LBH to want to spend more time with, talk more with, and include in more things their WAW. This is the exact opposite of what your W wants right now. Right now she wants time and space. Give it to her. You get out and do things with other people. You stay busy, stay active, start working out and eating right.
Another thing to remember, remain patient. It will take time and you need to remember that. You can't fix in days what it took years to get into. So remain patient.
Detach and give her space, GAL, institute 180s, and be the best you can be. That's what you can control right now, not her. And read sandi's rules. Learn them, memorize them, and adhere to them.
It will and does get better. Try to relax and get sleep. I know after BD I don't think I slept more than 3 hours at a time.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thank you Cadet, I will do my best to implement this.
H: 47 W:49 M: 17 BD: 5/20/18 OM discovered - still in contact as of 06/07/18. W says she is moving out 9/1/18
Hello and welcome. Please read DR as soon as you get a chance, it'll give you a lot of insight into why your M ended up where it did and what you can do about it. First please understand that it probably took your W months or even years to get to this point and there is no "magic trick" that's going to "put things back to normal". There is a good chance of saving your M but it is a lot of hard work and takes a lot of time- many months or even a year or more.
Your story is all too familiar to many of us. My ex was approaching 50 when I was BD'd and my story is similar to yours as far as our M being on autopilot, us fighting very rarely (maybe half a dozen times in 20 years), her going through menopause triggered by a partial hysterectomy, her feeling like she always took care of the kids and just needed some "her" time for a change. In my ex's case she became a completely different person, transformed into someone I didn't even recognize. Not mean or angry or anything, just different. Different interests, different focus (more on herself and being independent). So you're not so much trying to save your old M, but rather adapt to your W's new personality and work on yourself to perhaps attract her to a new M with a new you.
I will say that reading your sitch about you being unemployed for so long and turning to video games and such that it sounds like you've become VERY beta and were very dependent on her. That is not at all attractive to women, they are attracted to alpha qualities. So get in shape, lose weight if you need to, spruce up your wardrobe, wear cologne, get your hair styled. Get out and GAL. Become strong and independent. Try to get a job somewhere. Get busy. I understand your finances are limited but do what you can.
Originally Posted By: Hornsfa
My W agreed to meet with my counselor last week. Today learned she will not talk to him again, and that couples counseling is not on her agenda anymore. She wants a D but has not filed...
Don't pressure her for counseling. Don't talk to her about the marriage AT ALL. Just pull back and give her time and space. Listen when she speaks, don't talk yourself. Just listen and validate what she says. Remove all pressure and most of the time the WAS will stop pursuing D. Read Sandi's rules every day! That is your template for how to behave.
Quote:
I wrote a letter, went to the house, and read it to her.
I really wish you had found us sooner, DO NOT GIVE HER LETTERS!! No emails, no texts, no calls. Leave her be, right now she wants to be as far from you as possible. This is hard to believe, but she is probably repulsed by you. She CAN get over this but she has got to get over it on her own and on her timeline.
Quote:
I then took off my wedding ring, for the first time in almost 17 years, and handed that to her. I turned around and drove back to this extended stay hotel.
Why did you leave the house? She is the one that wants to split, she is the one that should leave if she can't stand being around you.
