Davide/all...as I say I know it's only the start of month 4 for me but I mean if she was a GF and not a W that amount of time would have her long gone. Perhaps because that is my only frame of reference the thought that 6-9 months down the line she has a change of heart seems so preposterous to me. Best I know she's still not happy, BUT she has at least started in her planning mind to starting talking about splitting the house, finances, etc.
And no worries about blame. Trust me I'm already VERY hard on myself. I feel the blame is mine. I walk by guys at work these days, see their ring on their finger and wonder why "I" could not make my marriage work. I only wanted to make her happy, was faithful and loved my family, but it wasn't enough. The most I can come up with day to day is that I didn't go spend time with her after our D went down at night, but my only rationale was that the hour or so she had left in her day was all she had for HER time. Last night I woke up at 3am and couldn't go back to sleep. I ended up taking my ring out from the night stand, putting it on my finger and fell to sleep just saying "It matters". I did take it back off this AM, the hypocrisy of taking it off and then wanting to put it back on weighs heavy on me.
W will return from her trip soon and within a few days she'll be back into the grind and so her unhappiness will probably return. At this point I'm just trying to live for myself and my D. Somehow in the time I have remaining before W files, I need to decide on my living arrangement, my desire for custody of D and hopefully just be accepting that the entire life I had built with her will have been destroyed.
I am so sorry to sound so negative. I'm really not a complete shambles of a man outwardly. I'm just struggling mightily with having the most precious thing I cherished in my life taken away with nothing that I can do to stop, change or fix it. I have scoured these forums to find ANYBODY who has had a W leave, not contact their LBS and then come back, I haven't seen a single example. I do take the great advice that sandi provides in her posts, BUT one thing that sticks out to me is that she had an underlying religious faith/relationship with God that I do not think my W has. I think that for WW who do turn around having that underlying faith is a very important aspect.
The one thing that I have the most of is friends, family and all of you here to help support me through this time. Oh and an IC who says W is a mess, is unable to be emotionally vulnerable and her leaving was not my fault. Back at work today after having SO much fun with my D. She did not want me to go back to work and good Lord did I not want to! At least for the love of God I wish my W would want to talk with me at least for the life and happiness of my D. I guess we'll see how time unfolds.
Thank you all! I really do appreciate more than words can say the fellowship and support each of you has provided to me...
