I simply don't understand...

[Hornsfa]

Hi,

W and I have been married almost 17 years. No kids together, she has 2 D's from her first M and I have 1 S from my first marriage. I love my inlaws more than my own parents. Get along great with her brother. My family is broken at best, so I kept my family away from our marriage.

Lost my job after a hard fight to keep it in May 2016. I did not deal with that until recently. Spent 1.5 years being unemployed/underemployed. Eventually lost our savings and our house. I fell off ladder and broke my arm in Oct 17. W had been struggling with female issues for a bit, and had a total hysterectomy in Feb 18 (doing HRT but not sure if it is the right dosage or working). I had shoulder replacement due to my fall on May 2, 2018. It has been pain free, and fixed a shoulder issue that I had been dealing with for years.

I can think of only one time we actually fought and that was about 7 years ago. We never insulted or humiliated each other. We just existed. Had bouts of happiness. Would ask if things were ok and they would be. Figured if we are not fighting and are ok, then we are ok. Now realize we needed communication skills pretty badly. Communication with her was always rational regardless.

I did spend a lot of time on computer playing games. There are times where she wanted to go to a work function or hang out with friends/family, and I would not go. (something i have tried to tell her I am more than willing to do now, but she doesnt beleive me and wont give me chance).

Wife told me she loved me but was not in love with me a few weeks ago. This rocked my world. On top of that, she told me she doesnt even feel like we are friends; she's almost 50 and not sure what she has; spent her life taking care of everyone else and is tired.

Our finances are not terrible and need a little help, but can be taken care of fairly quickly with some consolidation and sale of some assets. Over the past year i did rack up 8K of credit card debt. She never stopped me - said it was a sign of something else (was told this recently).

I know I need to work on myself, and I know I will never live like we have been the past 2 years. She says it will just go back to the same thing eventually.

I started counseling 2 days after the bomb dropped. I asked if we could go to marriage counseling and she said yes. She said she picked a counselor and was waiting on a time.

I had asked if there was an affair going on. She denied. A few days later learned there has been one - some sort of sex act involved but claims it wasnt vaginal because she still has stictches coming out from hysterectomy.

I think i blew up the affair after confronting OM and telling his wife. However, they still work in the same building and not sure if OM and his wife are trying to work it out - by telling her I some how became the bad guy in all this.

My W agreed to meet with my counselor last week. Today learned she will not talk to him again, and that couples counseling is not on her agenda anymore. She wants a D but has not filed...

I wrote a letter, went to the house, and read it to her. I asked if she wanted to talk and she said she was not prepared to talk and would call me tomorrow. I handed her the letter and some other papers she needed signed. I then took off my wedding ring, for the first time in almost 17 years, and handed that to her. I turned around and drove back to this extended stay hotel.

I'm not sure why i am posting this. I can't afford coaching right now cause i can barely afford to live here. Guess I'm feeling lonely or sad for myself.

I do know that I do not want the relationship we had. I want a new one with Jesus as the foundation. I have things I have been and will continue to work on, but its hard. If we had went to counseling before (she never asked or i would have), I feel like I would be ok with all this. But I never got a chance to understand, much less fix, what is going on, and it doesnt appear I ever will.