Good Riddance 2017

[25yearsmlc]

re the anger Juju, it's something I struggle with and try to use as a call to action. I cannot think of anything else that is positive. And frankly, there have been times it literally makes me sick.

Bad sleep patterns and even a few panic attacks, and frequent distraction and anxiety over the crappy treatment that I only now, truly see as abusive treatment. I'm not using the term loosely, but with added insight and knowledge, I now see how mistreated I was and yet it still hurts. SO...

I'm heading over seas in the fall to work with refugees. (This summer I'm getting certified to teach English abroad, and teaching and helping with asylum applications with my legal training could be very rewarding.)

Of course, my hope is that a new environment and sense of purpose will crowd out my thoughts of x and the way I was wronged. It will likely give me serious perspective on the injustices of life, too. Like, my "injuries" and the wrongs inflicted on me are quite minor, globally speaking.

I have found a certain self indulgence to my anger/sorrow, at times. I'm not proud of it.

And I really do believe I'm giving so much more power to my x than I should.

For MY sake, I have to redirect these thought patterns. There is "neuro plasticity" in which we can retrain our thought process and it takes some lessons and direction AND THEN implementation. But it can be done.

It's not about condoning anything my x did, which he probably will never realize, let alone admit, let alone tell me OR apologize for. My happiness (and yours) cannot hinge on whether the x sees the light.

My x seems genuinely unable to comprehend what he has done to others, though he's filled with self pity NOW...incredibly, he sees himself as a victim. And that our kids have been "turned against" him by - of course, yours truly. Not that his LONG absences over the years were factors. Nope, just me.

D20 even told x that it's just the opposite. That she resented me for Not seeing him as she did, that I'd defend x when d20 would complain about him and that it frustrated her to no end. I feel badly about that, b/c it invalidated her perspective, which was a lot closer to the truth than mine was.

X cannot hear her.

X is very invested in his narrative. So is your x.

So invested that he required our children to agree with the narrative or he'd "be done."

They were not to "bring up the past", but were to treat him "with respect, and treat his new wife and HER D17 - with respect b/c 'they have been thru a lot..." -- just an unbelievable thing for a father to say to his 3 kids after not seeing any of them for 20 months...and our d20, whom he cut off tuition for, yet never asked her if she was still in college or how.

And for ME that really was so nutty to say and it showed he truly lacks the empathy chip.


So there's literally nothing I could say (or video tape!) that would get him to slap his forehead and say "OMG you're right! I'm a cruel fool!"

I think your h is similar, though I don't want to project too much of my situation onto yours. Just trying to somehow help with the experience and pass on what I'm learning.

My x is just way too deep into his narrative and down his rabbit hole for me to overcome it.

I ask myself lately, do I want to spend my precious time getting him to see the light? I did not win the "pick us" dance while married, and tried like mad to do so.


But even if I could, maybe, do I want to spend ANY of my remaining days convincing him of our worth?? He11 no. Especially b/c I cannot be with him anymore - I can only hope we can be civil someday.

Knowing what I know now is not something I can "un-know". So why spend my time on hoping to convince him that HE is wrong??

I just want to be happy on my own and enjoy the freedom of NOT having those hideous self doubts that have been gnawing at my self esteem insidiously, for years now. And choosing what I, 25, want to do and where I, 25 want to live.

Like you, I am second guessing R things a lot. I'm also very leery of committing to someone anytime soon. I may never remarry.
Just cannot fathom how many signals I missed, how many NOW obvious ways he was untrue and simply NOT that invested in our m or family.

Somehow I projected so much of me onto him, assuming his values mirrored mine, and I spent so much energy maintaining that illusion, that it's hard not to wonder if I'm missing something again...


So the "equation" just returns to us again and again. What are WE doing to improve our side of things? The only thing we do control...is our side of the equation. Making our lives good so that whatever is going on in their lunatic worlds, matters NOT.

The narcissists losers who harm others without regard to the damage they inflict, will go on their way.

**My T asked me today, what I'd say to a woman who got beaten by her h, on a semi regular basis but then had great make up sex and was wooed back. And "loved him so much."

If her M finally ends, and the wife beating xh goes off into the sunset seemingly happy and oblivious to how badly he beat/mistreated her....and remarries and never, ever admits he beat her OR if he does admit it, it's still her fault b/c she "made him so mad"...what then?

I mean, what would you tell her? What if she says she's so hurt and angry that he did that to her, and that she hopes he's sorry, and that he tells her that he "gets it now", and that he gets help and wants to change and not hit her again...

OR he's with OW now, and acts as if he does not (yet) hit the OW...

What would you tell her if she said that it really hurts her to know he's not sorry or regretful, and that she's angry and sad that she was rejected by a man who beat her?

What would you tell her?

Do you see my point?


One quote from the book "The 4 Agreements" that I go back to...

"If someone causes you pain and suffering, & then leaves your life, consider it a great gift. If they remained in your life, your pain & suffering would also remain."

What is it you want to do with your precious time on earth? What do you want to model for your son?

And fwiw, what I'm writing ^^^herein, are all things I have to write down and say out loud to myself, several times a week.

Thinking/writing/saying/hearing myself say them really does help. It'll sink in eventually.

What can you do that would get him out of your head, even for only a day?

When I work at my brother's business, it's almost non stop contact with people. And dang, I have to say, I'm always in a good mood afterwards. There's no time to think of x.

My classes start in 3 weeks and I am stoked. Nervous b/c I'm not sure how my concentration will be, (given the seizures and the meds I now take).

But at least I won't be thinking of x.

Crossing fingers!

And hoping you find a new engrossing endeavor at least a few hours a day when your s5 is elsewhere or busy.

Any ideas?