Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Ste7e]

Davide I am on day 2 of my trip out of town
Feeling almost 100 percent better amazingly
You got your trip lined up it will be good for you
You are just stuck with too many reminders right niw
Find you my brother
You got this

[Davide]

Thanks folks.

Between reading your messages and a couple of threads that I find very helpful and inspirational

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=794106&page=7

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2778117&page=1

I found a sense of calm last night. It was good. My anxiety quieted. I am reading a book called "Self Esteem" and it has a lot of good exercises for confronting the cognitive distortions I create and for identifying and releasing the thoughts that tend to trap me.

Ste7e, Great to hear that you are enjoying the trip! I actually started planning out places I could rock climb on my trip last night and it was a lot of fun.

Nicole, I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

I appreciate everyone who has taken an interest in my sitch, and those who have provided moral support. I wouldnt be able to do this without all of you and I am grateful for your presence in my life.

[Maika]

Yes, the sadness comes in waves and different intensities.

In the beginning, there were more tears and being out of control and anxiety and mania. But then, that settled, and it brought a more aching kind of sadness. The kind that can turn into a depressive state. I know it very well.

I went quite a few months without tears, but still had that aching sadness. It was slowly going away, but it was still there. Then just a month ago, something happened and all the tears came back.

Going through that process was important and I felt like I was able to let the last bits of grief out. I am sure there are still some in there, but I don't feel it acutely any more.

The physical process of crying is very cathartic and you'll have events where it will come back. The cycling of emotions and moods is very common and you have to let it run its course.

In the first year, I'd say it's okay to wallow in it when you're having a bad day. I just recommend you give yourself a time limit to do it. So, I would give myself 24 hours to feel everything and think of everything and just let it out. But once that clock was up, I was back to my game plan of GAL and focusing on the positives.

There is no shortcut unfortunately, but the more you're able to act and do stuff, even when you don't feel like it, it will still have a positive impact in the long run.

You're building your resilience muscles. So, don't skip on the workout even if you're not feeling it today.

[doodler]

...but the more you're able to act and do stuff, even when you don't feel like it, it will still have a positive impact in the long run.

I agree. I found that moving around and getting things done had a huge positive impact on my disposition. Those times when I didn't feel like doing anything, I'd just have to force myself to get up and get going.

[Davide]

Thanks guys. Trust me, I am moving. With the biking, walking, rock climbing and yoga I have now dropped 40 lbs as of this morning. Exercise is not an issue for me! It just doesnt always help to clear my brain. Normally it does, but days like yesterday, no.

So, two things:

1. I just talked to my IC for the first time. I like him a lot more than the previous one already. His one big suggestion for dealing with the W is to try to come up with some sort of plan of communication so that I am not simply subject to her whims or desires. I would imagine that would be like emailing once a week about dog, house, car, financial stuff. What do you think? I told him that I backed off initiating communication as part of the lack of pursuit, and I am hesitant to do so for that reason - that it would put pressure on her. He pushed back that he thought it would be healthier. What do you all think?

2. As I was speaking with him the W wrote to tell me that the car is all good and I can take it whenever I need it this week to clean up stuff at school. She also asked if I wanted to say goodbye in person (before my trip) on Saturday, that she was fine with it, but could leave if I wanted.

I am, of course, absolutely fine with seeing her. I know how I want to handle the interaction (our first in a month) - positive, chipper, looking forward to the trip, not asking her any questions (about the R, about her future plans), validating her feelings, listening to her. I would like to share that I am putting my trip pictures on instagram, is that too pursuity? Anything else I should or shouldnt do?

I am in a good place right now, but I do worry that as the day draws near my anxiety will rise. That is normal, but I need to monitor it and make sure it stays under control.

[RR17]

Davide, if the exercise doesn't distract you from stink'n think'n it is because it doesn't challenge you. See if you can do something different in order to challenge you.

Congrats on the weight loss!

[Davide]

So the wife has emailed me a couple of times today. The lawnmower broke and she is thinking of buying a new one since "I" will need it (she is moving out in August), and she gave me links to a couple on amazon. I told her that I trusted her judgement.

Also I would still love to hear feedback on the two things above:

1) Should I push like my IC said to set up a communication schedule so it isn't always her who initiates?

2)Any further advice on how to handle the goodbyes on Saturday and/or the anxiety leading up to it?

[RR17]

I think that your instinct is correct regarding communication. IC is focused on your well being. They don't understand DB. Who knows if W would even abide by it? Healthier for whom?

IMO, part of what "no pursuit" accomplishes is it peaks curiosity. Adds a sense of mystery. This coupled with GAL will only help to change the power dynamic and restore your self-esteem. How's that for healthier?
You could ask that she save up transactional communication that isn't urgent but be prepared for her to violate it. If it's not an emergency, you don't have to respond right away.

As for Instagram, I would post away. If she draws the conclusion that you are enjoying yourself, all the better.

As for the handling of the goodbye? That's up to you. If you can rehearse it in your head and feel quite sure that you can carry it off, go for it. If not, don't do it.
If it causes too much anxiety, decide not to do it and be done.

[Davide]

RR,

Thanks for the reply! I think the IC is thinking that it would be healthier for me so that I am not subject to her whims or waiting on her communication. Honestly, at this point it is infrequent enough (unless we are exchanging emails back and forth) that I dont go around waiting for it. I imagine on my trip I will be even less tied to it.

The other thing is that I just dont know what she will have to communicate with me about, other than buying a new car and getting her apartment. The day to day stuff will certainly be less pressing with so many miles between us. I certainly hope we dont go weeks without communicating, but I feel like that is a definite possibility. Just because my wife is not crazy, not WW, I still shouldnt initiate communication at all, right?

Yeah, I'll be posting on instagram for sure. My question is if I should tell her that, since I didn't use it in the past and she wouldn't even know to look. Dunno. That one feels a little dicey to me - like I'm shouting look at me, just subtly.

Oh, I can handle the goodbye. There is no way that I am bailing on that. I will rehearse it, but I already know the attitude I am going in there with. I am sure she wont bring up any relationship stuff (although she did tell me at one point she wanted to write me a letter... ugh). It will be light and positive and all about the great trip I am about to embark on, and maybe about the 40 lbs I have lost or the climbing I have done. Friendly crap that I would talk to any friend about.

I am more worried about the nerves and anxiety on Thursday and Friday. I definitely need to make sure I exercise a ton and sleep as much as possible.

[Vanilla]

But what does that look like?

In the first few days or weeks post BD I sobbed and raged in impotence and resentment and anger. I did all that.

But recently, tears don't come. I feel anxiety. I feel a sadness and hopelessness -- but it is almost hollow. I'm sad but not hysterical. Just sad. Sad that our depression f#$ked up a great relationship. Sad that she cant see how much of a better man I have become. Sad that I cant go back and look at photos of us without going down cheeseless tunnels. I also feel lonely. I miss the intimacy of the relationship. I miss my best friend as well as my wife. I miss the person whose touch could calm me.

I feel like breaking down sobbing, or raging against something would be healthier -to get it out. But I dont feel that now. And I am worried if I am just burying it deep...

There is a cycle called the Kubler Ross grief cycle. Please Google it. This cycle explains the phases of grief, it applies to the loss of your R. The phases comes in waves and in any order.

This is perfectly ok, by being here you aren't burying anything, it's healthy.

And you are working onow those goals aren't you?

V