Yes...you have to stop. From my perspective they are done with the LBS and any value they have for the LBS is purely used for what benefits them.
Are you referring to my "Cycle" layout? that particular layout was specific to her, which i find interesting. If her EX (Guy #1) had ever shown interest, i think i would have been dropped instantly. So, that is why i have thought that once Limerence with OM fades, and i am with someone else (in other words "something she cant have") is when i will potentially be in the same position her EX was when she was with me, and after Guy #2.
Could happen, maybe not. i know by the time her EX realized this he was 100% done with anything having to do with her, and I will likely be in the same spot if and when that happens.
That is my goal. Healthy apathy.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
[quote=sandi2] If that's how you feel, then don't use them. They were written to a general audience of newcomers who arrive without any idea of how to get started. [quote]
yet again, just because i point out something i noticed doesn't apply 100% to MY Sitch or that i may partially disagree with doesnt mean i think the whole list is a flawed mess. Why is it that there is no middle ground on this forum, either you follow advice 100% or you offend the person who gave the advice. your rules are gold. i just feel like the ones i listed as not being applicable to me are because they require you to be around / See your WW.
[quote=sandi2]You say the rules conflict with your sitch. Is this an example? Because this applies to people who actually see and talk to one another! If you have a TRO, then the assumption is that you aren't going to be seeing each other face to face and making eye contact when she speaks.[quote]
See above.
33 - I CAN practice the "Don't give up hope" but several people have counciled against that, including you Sandi.
[quote=sandi2]Now look, I tried to honestly answer what questions I could. I told you it was unlikely that she would suddenly show up at your door and be genuinely changed back into that girl you thought you M, and that it would probably take her getting professional help before she changed for the better. You plainly told me that you would not take her back.....and now you want to come back and say I gave contradicting advice? [quote]
No Sandi. That is NOT what i said at all, not even close. I have said to you several times i value your input more than most as you offer advice from a viewpoint i find to be most valuable in understanding WW. What i said was that some advice from some members is contradictory to advice given by other members.
I agree that she would need professional help before she made any changes, i have agreed with you on that from Day 1. And what i said was i would only consider taking her back under the following circumstances.
1. She had been seeing IC, and making progress. 2. told me the whole story of her affair. 3. PROVED, time and time again through ACTION that she was looking to regain my trust. 4. provide full transparancy 5. produce an outline on how her behaviors manifest internally and what shes doing to control them.
If i had ever said "I wont take her back" its because i believe these things are never going to occur.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
[quote]24 - Be paitent - This seems directly contradictory from things you have told me,
No, telling you to be impatient would be directly contradictive. That may have been the way you interpreted the advice when I encouraged you to press forward and not just put your life on hold, waiting to see what she does. I do remember giving you the latter part of #24, which states, "When you pull back, it will draw them towards you". Maybe I messed up by not referring to it as a rule. [quote]
Ok this is what you meant when you said contradictory. my apologies. What i meant by that is how you have told me that she is a unique case and is unlikely to seek the Prof. Help we discussed her needing to get before she can think about R. You and Vanilla seem to have been in the camp that she is not a case for DBing and i should just go dark and move forward with D in order to avoid more abuse down the road. All VERY VALID.
Perhaps i have been believing this whole time i have been pulling back due to the TRO and haven't really been doing it. I have fooled myself into thinking i wasn't pursuing because of the TRO. and evidently i have been. need to reevaluate.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
We moved into our apartment with S3 2 years ago today. One of the happiest days of my life, i thought we would be there until we had a 2nd baby and needed to buy a house. Could explain why im feeling so effing nostalgic today....
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
Just want to clarify that while I typed the words "Hatred is closer to love than to apathy" I was stealing that quote from someone that is way more intelligent than I am! OK, like you it hit me as supremely profound when I heard it and it makes a lot of sense.
I honestly forget who it was that said it, may have been MWD, or one of the other dozen marriage and anti-divorce authors I have read since my BD. But the point is that it makes a lot of sense. Love and hate are separated by a fine line. Apathy is the real danger. My W was literally a breath away from complete apathy towards me when I caught her EA and confronted. When she delivered her pronouncement on BD "I don't want to be married anymore" she showed NO emotion at all. None. She wasn't happy, she wasn't sad, she wasn't angry.
She is a very emotional person, so it shows you how close to a complete shutdown she was. I honestly believe if things had gone unchanged for another month she would have been beyond the point of no return in her apathy towards me and MR.
About 3 weeks in I saw her get emotional about everything for the first time. And then she began a slow turnaround from there.
None of this is really relevant to your question, but I wanted to give the background on how profound that statement really is. Love can turn into hate, and you can still fix things. Once hate moves into apathy, it is a very difficult place to return from.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
When she delivered her pronouncement on BD "I don't want to be married anymore" she showed NO emotion at all. None. She wasn't happy, she wasn't sad, she wasn't angry.
Same as my wife. I only saw her cry once and it was certainly an act, as it lasted all of 30 seconds.
Originally Posted By: Steve85
She is a very emotional person, so it shows you how close to a complete shutdown she was. I honestly believe if things had gone unchanged for another month she would have been beyond the point of no return in her apathy towards me and MR.
About 3 weeks in I saw her get emotional about everything for the first time. And then she began a slow turnaround from there.
None of this is really relevant to your question, but I wanted to give the background on how profound that statement really is. Love can turn into hate, and you can still fix things. Once hate moves into apathy, it is a very difficult place to return from.
I thought my wife was an emotional person too, i think I was wrong about that though, looking back, i dont see much evidence of it. The only time i can think of when she was legitimately upset is when her father had a stroke and she feared losing him. I actually think due to her (awful) emotional connection to her father, that him dying is the "Major Loss" that Sandi refers to that may cause major changes in her life. It may cause her to finally seek IC and dredge up the bad memories tied to him.
M: 35, EX-W: 3, S:4 All Divorce Proceedings Complete - Oct 18 ----------------------------------------------------- 2nd EX - Was Engaged - Diagnosed BPD 2 Major breakups. 2 Rebounds
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