Advice on My Scenario Pt 12-Less Talk More Action

[TBSakaJ9]

I will leave the "Why did she do this, or how could she do that" out of it because i know none of us know.

Yes, you will never know. I still have no idea in my sitch.

I struggle with NC because i have so much i never got to say and questions i never got answers to.

I understand, my EW didn't give me any answers either and the more I pressed the more pissed off she got. Even if the RO was not in place and you could press her/ask her the questions you still would not get the answers you are looking for.

1.) Ours is the only R she has ever had that did not begin with cheating and infidelity on her previous partner.

That's good.

2.) I made her feel "safe"

Great!

3.) Even though her heart may not have been in it as much as me, we shared pivitol life moments. 1st child, birth of said child, the baby stages, boht of our 1st weddings, much sentiment that she will never have again "for the first time" with someone else. I will always be those firsts.

Yes, those are memories. I share 2 kids and 17 years with my EW.

4.) how much i believe her behavior is born of deep rooted personality issues.

You are probably right.

5.) I know at some point she truly loved me. It may have been misguided love, but it was there, no different than it is for OM right now, but I am not OM and he is not ME. I am Dada, husband etc.

I am sure she did and you are correct.

Anger.
I am so hurt and furious, even 8mos later, and how grossly and blatantly i was betrayed and cast aside.

I understand so what are you doing about it? This is where moving forward comes in so you get out of the cycle and start to work out and process your anger.

Lonely - I was systematically starved of attention, affection, love and closeness over the course of 16 months. I am so hungry to feel wanted. Esp. by her, if i said i wouldnt grim ear to ear to hear her say she missed me right now id be lying. but i know she doesnt, and wont. I crave waht ive been denied. its shy she still has power over me.

These last two things you described are probably the two hardest. A good IC would do wonders, finding an outlet for your anger (for me it is weightlifting), and how to feel complete without it involving someone else.

Additionally working on your self-esteem would probably help also. What things can you do (outside of female gratification) to help you start to feel good about yourself again? I feel like we talk a lot about the past and you asking for explanations but you don't talk very much at all about the positive things in your life or what your doing to create positive things in your life. Once I started accomplishing some of my goals my self-esteem started to improve and once that happened the focus started to shift from my EW.