Bluesun, I look forward to reading your story when you can post it. It's good you've learned the lesson of patience.
Caz, I'm so glad to hear you've had success with detaching! It's also good to know your daughter stood up for you and herself. I wonder if your husband will ever wake up? It's good you're no longer waiting for that to happen. Will you continue to stay married but separated?
Maika, I'm still trying to survive and stabilize my life. There are no potential new men in my life but if, in a year, the perfect guy comes along then first I wouldn't believe he's so perfect (because now I've learned that lesson when I thought my husband was perfect) then perhaps over time I might start to see such a man as a potential partner. It's all theoretical though because there hasn't been any other man in my life that I've loved like my husband. I have a very limited dating history (meaning only one person before my husband) and I have little interest in dating for religious reasons and being too conservative. I know I'm limiting myself in that regard but I grew up that way and just can't seem to change this mindset. I can't imagine sleeping with various men (or any man) like the few divorced colleagues I have say they've done and I also can't imagine marrying a guy without knowing him like a lot of people do in my husband's home country. I'd almost have to know someone as a friend for an extended period of time to even consider another relationship that could lead to marriage. Right now I have no idea how I'll feel about my husband in another year or two. I think I'll always have hope he'll change because I know he's not the good man I married. This wild streak might run its course but if that takes another ten years then hopefully by that time I'll have met someone else or lost interest in my husband. I'm still just sad that my husband chose to destroy everything we built together and went on a wreckless rampage with no regard for the welfare of my daughter and I. Unless my husband makes big changes to his life he probably will find another girlfriend in the near future, most likely another easy girl in her 20's for fun and entertainment purposes. As for how to influence my husband's behavior as a father - I'm not sure how to do that. I tried for a long time to point out how his actions affected her and his response was always "stop making me feel like sh$t." Nowadays I say nothing. He can show up when it's convenient for him or do nothing at all and I'm just letting him go. Sometimes I send him positive feedback when he does something our daughter likes but I don't know what else to do. If we get divorced then I guess we'll have to discuss custody issues but she's always been 100% with me so I doubt that'll be a problem. There's a lot I'm not sure about right now.
New2nev, I didn't get to read my old messages but I think what I meant about not having anything to offer a new man right is related to lack-of-time. Between caring for my daughter and working multiple consulting jobs I feel I have no time to offer a new man. It takes time and effort to get to know someone. Perhaps when I stabilize my life I'll have the ability to get a babysitter every so often and go out, but even then I'm not interested in having a physical relationship with a man who's not my husband so I couldn't offer that kind of casual fun that some people seek when they're dating. And finally I can't really offer much mental energy to any other man right now because I'm so exhausted from everything. It's not that I don't think I'm worthy or attractive or interesting, I just feel like I'm still barely hanging on and have nothing to offer anyone else right now. I do try to offer encouragement to others and do favors for others though.
Arsh, yes we need to find self worth. I'm not the kind of person who feels the need to focus on myself to feel good because I've lived in many developing countries and observed families in other settings, especially at lower socioeconomic levels, and rarely do the mothers feel the need to focus on themselves. They seem genuinely happy caring for their kinds and seem to accept the work that goes with it. Others who don't have kids seem proud of their careers and extended families. It's somewhat of a cultural idea to focus on ourselves. I struggle with it. For now I'd be more than happy if I could muster up more energy to focus on faith. Things like clothing, shopping, spa days, etc.. don't really interest me although I recognize the need to look as good as possible. I exercise and have hobbies into which I try to incorporate my daughter, but I'd be doing all those things with or without my husband around. I've always lived a healthy lifestyle. For me it's more helpful trying to focus on balancing everything than 'on myself' but I know I'm missing the point in the context of DB. Our children do make everything worthwhile though because their unconditional love is an example of how we should all be every day!
Max123, how long do you think you and your husband will continue to live separately but stay married? This is something I question about my own current arrangement.
Davide, thanks for your encouragement! Yes I've tried to find strength even when I'm tired and deepened relationships with other friends in place of my husband. I look forward to reading more of your thread to learn how you're coping.
Arsh, being a single mom is really, really hard, especially when you and your kid are both sick at the same time and there's no one to help. It makes you understand the value of having a partner - someone who helps when you need help and who you help when they need help. Without a partner it literally comes down to a struggle to survive. If I had parents or siblings who could help then I'd probably be much, much more resilient. Do you have any family helping you currently?
Jim, thanks for your thoughts! I look forward to your next updates on your wife and divorce process.
