[HelenaJ]

One benefit of religion is it's not the beliefs that we decide are convenient to rationalize our behavior, nor the beliefs that we subscribe by finding people that agree with us and going along with them. No, they are ancient established values that have evolved and been revealed through practical application through thousands of years of us living together. They aren't always what we'd like to believe, but that's the whole point. If we never defer to something beyond ourselves we're back to square one- we are God and follow our own gospel.

I agree that religion has done an excellent job at defining and enforcing societal norms and expectations.

I don't know if you're religious or not and I'm not sure it matters.

I'm not.

In reading your posts though you are sure bombing out a lot of declarations.

I'm not sure what you mean?

Very nice sleight of hand to rationalize why you allow your resentment to shine.

Point taken. Not being nice doesn't feel right to me either. I actually am working on it despite how I "feel" about it and I have asked for advice here about that very issue so if you have any specifics, please feel free to share with me. I also happen to agree that one should not be driven by emotion. I'm a very emotional person, quick temper. Not being driven by emotion will certainly be a lifelong struggle and journey for me.

Now you are all knowing and can see all future possibilities, what's possible, and know exactly the way to get there? If you're so smart and in control then how did you end up here? Oh wait, you were human then and are omniscient now, you're different and it's now all his fault?

ALL his fault? That's not fair. I know I didn't say that and I hope I didn't portray it.

Where's the humility? The "I don't know how things got here and I don't know how to fix it, I do know that I've made horrible mistakes and have been hopelessly wrong and bullheaded

Look, I've been at this for a long time. My H and I have been together for 26 years and nearly all the struggles we have are ones that have been present since day 1. Personally, I've been in counseling for many years and I'd be a complete fool to not know how things got here. The fact that I know that is in no way a representation of my inferred lack of humility but a result of a TON of introspection and book reading and endless thinking about my relationship with my H. I still don't know how to fix it, but you know what? I'm still here. Still trying. I have not made "horrible mistakes". I've made one horrible mistake and many other "normal mistakes". Don't get me wrong, one horrible mistake is enough but I do not have a serial pattern of horrible mistake making and that makes a big difference. I have paid very dearly for that mistake and I have admitted every bit of it, faced up to it not just with him but also family and my close friends and I stuck it out because I do believe in integrity and character above all despite what that screw up says about me. I do have a large amount of getting what I deserve, reaping what I have sown type of remorse where that issue is concerned.

I'm ready to surrender all control and instead try to understand what God wants from me and how I can serve His will?

What control do I have that you think I should surrender? I'm not religious and actually have some pretty unconventional thoughts on it so none of that type of talk resonates with me at all. Going back to your third paragraph about needing something to defer to, I've not given it much thought but for me, that would be my husband and my children. I have given my husband a GREAT DEAL of latitude in defining deference for me.

As long as you think you have it all figured out you're going to keep getting the same results. And you can make all of your predictions of doom come true.

This would be a tragedy indeed. But I need specifics. When I explain H's behavior, tell me how I can better respond. How I can change my thinking on the issue, give me another specific perspective to show me where I might be over extending my perception into reality.

God loves us enough to allow us to experience the consequences of our own mistakes.

I'm not sure what to think about this statement but I don't think it's very helpful considering we ALL make mistakes. It sounds like you're saying I'm getting what I deserve. And if you are, fine. Just say it.