So i spent this weekend with NG. Everything is going well. He treats me well. I feel like he has "walked the walk" so to say. Meaning that he has been through worse then i and many on these boards. Single dad with hardships.
Hes not perfect. I overlook things i would have nagged my ex for, which i feel guilty about. On paper he doesnt have what my ex has. My ex would do great on OLD. I dont think NG did. BUT He was able to actually provide for his family. He worked and saved and raised a kid. My ex could not, and twisted it to make it into my fault.
But i still mourn the loss of my ex. Like my ex should be new guy.
My ex isnt. He left me. He was leading a secret life of addiction. He INTENTIONALLY stone walled and neglected me. Actually said to me when i was begging him not to leave "nothing will change for you. Its not like you had my affection". He had us living with my parents while for years he was secretly withdrawing 800 dollars a week. I would not be surprised if he cheated on me though i never found proof.
Yet sitting on the couch with NG, i felt loss and depressed. Which is not fair. I like him a lot. And i respect him. I dont respect my ex. But i felt like i should be doing this with ex.
Anyway, those of you have followed my sitch, know that anger has been a huge issue for me. I feel like i was angry at ex even before BD. I resented him and i didnt know why. My guess is that i sensed something, i just didnt have the language or knowledge base to know what.
I think anger is safe for me. Pre and post BD, I thought him leaving was all my fault. I thought his moods and failure to engage were my fault. And i begged and walked on egg shells. I followed MWDs books and advice (as well as i could) and i was exploited. I hid back my anger from him, which only validated his actions. i lost my sense of self worth and pride. And he really took advantage of me. He pushed the limits because he was not invested in the relationship and i was. I wish i interpreted detach, as disinvest.
He is.nice and friendly to me know. Not overly, but amicable and i dont like that. After his cruelty to me it comes across as patronizing.
The anger prevents me from getting tricked and exploited. From forgetting what he was capable of.
I remember he used to tell me that i needed to be rude to his mom cause she didnt get it. I wonder if thats what he was doing. Being an a..hole to me, cause i wasnt getting it. And now wants things to be civil and normal cause he got his way. But thats a really bad way to treat someone.
