Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Davide]

Yep. Spot on Maika.

I have been really quickly been able to stop the negative self talk and beating myself up that I used to always do. I always used self-deprecating humor as a shield, but I am avoiding that now.

The self-compassion is an area where I need to keep working. I have done some reading and have another book waiting at the library for me. I think I am getting better at it, but it is hard.

It does indeed sound magical when you are able to go from believing that you are worthy to trusting it. I havent reached that place yet, but I look forward to getting there some day shortly.

[Davide]

I have been re-reading other threads, and I saw that a number of people put together personal goals. I thought that might be helpful for me. I would love to get feedback.

My goals

1) Detach emotionally. Get a life. Think about myself not her.
a) Go on trip. Get out of town.
b) Spend time with family and friends.

2) Improve myself
a) Mindfullness - Practice yoga at least 4 days a week. Meditate 15 minutes a day, use app in car.
b) Self compassion - read self esteem book, work on exercises
c) CBT - complete worksheets, keep reading.

3) Physical - maintain weight between 145-155
a) Ride 100 miles per week on trip.
b) Practice Yoga
c) 100 pushups a day
d) Find rock-climbing gyms on the way - climb once a week.

4) Improve my italian
- listen to 2 episodes of News in Slow Italian each day of trip.

Any thoughts?

[Vanilla]

How about these as a starter BTW love the goals. Let's make them action orientated and exciting.

I am living freely in a life I designed for me, I travel every three months, I meet with friends and family for one night a week, I am a GAL master.

I am working on me with full focus, improving by employing mindfulness through yoga 4 times a week..........

I am a comfortable weight staying in the range..... I cycle 100 miles a week on trips and I rock climb every week even on holidays and trips. I feel energised and alive.

My use of the Italian language improves by.....

------------------

Have you ever been told not to think of a pink elephant dancing in a green tutu? No? Well, what was the first thing that came to mind when you read about the elephant?

Exactly.

So what will I will not think about WW put in your head?

Enough said, these are your goals.

V

[Davide]

Today is rough. Second Sunday in a row. I slept OK last night. But today I can't get the thoughts out of my head. I feel lonely and sad and hopeless. I went to the gym and am on a group bike ride so I am doing the right things but it isn't helping.

I keep reading that you have to experience the emotions, go through them rather than trying to distract yourself or avoid them. I wonder if I have been avoiding recently, just denying them and playing strong because that is what I need to be for myself and to maintain any hope in R. How do I let myself sit with emotions without wallowing, without going down the same cheeselse's tunnels, without losing myself in the beautiful memories we shared?

It's at moments like this that I wonder if this isn't just too hard.

[LoneWlf]

Davide -We will all go thru these positive and negative cycles. Just take a moment and use self care, be mindful of your emotions and then move on. It is very difficult but best way to deal with pain is thru it. Stay Well!!

[Vanilla]

Yes walk to the pain, truly experience it.

That way it doesn't stay as a block in your subconscious.

It's the stiff upper lip and grin and bear it. Dunkirk spirit.

It really sounds counter intuitive but it moves the Kubler Ross grief cycle forward.

Hugs

V

[joejoe1]

Dave,

Let the pain out. Let it out. The only way to let it go is too let it out. Is sat in my car and cried and beat the steering wheel to hell on many of days. You can't suppress the pain, youbcant hide or run from it. You can act like its not there when you are by yourself. You have to walk thru the fire. The only way to heal is to look yourself in the mirror and say "I'm a flawed man, I'm not perfect, I've made my mistakes, but I'm still valuable".

Let that pain out and let it go. It you have to let it go everyday do so. It took me months and Im still letting go pain now. It will get better.

[Davide]

But what does that look like?

In the first few days or weeks post BD I sobbed and raged in impotence and resentment and anger. I did all that.

But recently, tears don't come. I feel anxiety. I feel a sadness and hopelessness -- but it is almost hollow. I'm sad but not hysterical. Just sad. Sad that our depression f#$ked up a great relationship. Sad that she cant see how much of a better man I have become. Sad that I cant go back and look at photos of us without going down cheeseless tunnels. I also feel lonely. I miss the intimacy of the relationship. I miss my best friend as well as my wife. I miss the person whose touch could calm me.

I feel like breaking down sobbing, or raging against something would be healthier -to get it out. But I dont feel that now. And I am worried if I am just burying it deep...

[joejoe1]

Dave,

If you haven't already, I would look up the grievance process. It a cyclic ride of emotions. As LBS we go thru, sadness from dealing with a loss, crying, not crying, hatred, sorrow, anger. We want to tell our wives snap out it. We want to shake them. Then we want to tell them we love them. Then we feel sympathetic for ourselves and our W. Then we are hopeless than hopeful.

But I will promise you this there is better days ahead. Once you start to find things to do away from your wife, meet new people, detach, you will start to see your switch objectively and with understanding. You will gain and understanding of Limerance and affairs.

You will find yourself smiling and laughing more. You will find yourself be able to focus on things Dothan your M, wife, or R.

The funny things is the LBS works hard and becomes the exact person the WW or WAW wants in their life. The WW or WAW, walks away for the exact person they were looking for.

The WW or WAW looks back and sees a person thats healed and wonders how. It because the LBS forces themselves thru the fire.

When that positive confident Dave starts to form you will know and so will you W.

Hold on its a long turbulent ride. But you will get off the ride ready to rock.

[NicoleR]

Davide, there's a book called Left Alone to Learn that you can find on Amazon or some other places that addresses the phenomenon you describe. It's hard because you can do all the right things but it doesn't make you feel better. I'm also busier now with social activities than I was in college but I still feel sad when I drive home or sit alone yet another night. It's great that you went to the gym and went biking. That's better than nothing, but still doesn't take away the pain! I want to read your full thread in the next day or two and will offer more comments.