I think that I get confused because it DOES feel pretty unnatural.
One reason I harp on cramming DB information to newbies is b/c they cannot rely upon their feelings as a guide. You have certain principles, standards, values, morals, integrity, spiritual/religious beliefs......right? Those are instilled for a reason. They are the guide you use in living your life. However, there are some issues that arise that may seem foreign to you b/c you are not experienced or educated about them. The smart thing to do is seek help from others who are experienced and educated.......and get all the information that's available. It's even smarter to base your decisions on the information you learn, combined with your personal values, etc. You cram, just like you did during your school years and knew you would be tested on what had been covered. Would you take a test where you depended on your feelings to tell you the right answers? I hope not, b/c you would flunk the course subject. And yet, that's what you are doing whenever you say it feels unnatural. It may feel that way b/c you had preconceived ideas of what a man should do to save his M. So, whenever you hear something different to those ideas......it feels unnatural.
Everyone faces things they don't understand, don't like, don't agree with, struggle to accept, etc. You can't stand in the middle of the crisis crying and saying this is not what you want. We get it. It is unfair and it is not what anyone wants, but it is happening anyway. You can be smart and learn the available information......or you can reject it b/c it doesn't feel natural.
I am an emotional person, so I'm not blaming anyone for the feelings they experience. What I am trying to tell you here is that you must stop using a certain feeling as your measuring stick that tells you that you are doing right/wrong actions that will save your M. You have made everything about what your WW wants. Every decision has been based on her wants. If she wants you in the house so many days a month, that's what you do. If she wants you out, that's what you do, too. You were not going to attend the meeting with your child's psychologist b/c your WW did not want you there. You are resembling a puppet on a string, which is not attractive to any W.
It is time you start making decisions for yourself, based on what you are learning.......and stop being led around by your WW's wants. If you don't know what is right or wrong, or which decision to make.......seek help from those who are experienced in that particular area......but stop listening to your WW. She is not going to make wise decisions, and especially not with the M's best interest at heart. I'm sorry, but that's just how it stands, currently. She is going to make decisions based on whatever she wants in the moment.
Sometimes, I make this statement to LBH's, "Stop trying to save your M". I say it b/c men put all their attention and emotions into persuading the W to not get a D. The fear of getting a D builds up until they are paralyzed and can't think. So, my suggestion is to let go. Drop it. Stop trying to save the M, b/c you are making things worse for yourself. Focus on just you and your children. Leave her alone and let her butt with her own head. The more you show your desperation, the less attractive she sees you. Stop telling her you want her, or that you want the M and don't want a D. She knows it, and to continue telling her makes her feel disgusted with you. Don't invite her to go with you back to your other home/state. Don't invite her or arrange for your older children to spend time with her. She fired you as her H, and that means she loses certain benefits.........starting with not spending time with her stepchildren. You can expect her to make very hurtful statements, and jab you everytime something doesn't suit her. Put on your armor. It will get worse, b/c you have acted like her little boy and have let her call the shots for so long.
In this coming week, I hope you will read my threads on the mindset of the WW, if you haven't previously read them. It may enlighten you as to how your W has turned into someone you no longer recognize.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
