My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 2

[SteveLW]

overrnbw, I read all of this but didn't have time to respond. You got some good feedback from OK, mtb, sandi and V. You need to proceed with caution.

First, WW always blame their husbands for everything. She could have bought bomb making materials, and blew up a daycare center, and she would still somehow blame it on you. This is how they justify their actions. Blame, deflect, redirect, deny, lie. Whatever they have to do to be able to lay their head on their pillows at night and go to sleep.

I was in a sex-starved marriage for years. I could have begged every night for it, and never got it. But that in no way justified me to go out and sleep with someone else. Yes cheaters say that being denied for so long DOES justify it, but right thinking people do not.

But be careful in getting to hopeful. This feels like she is trying to make sure good old overrnbw is still underneath her as a safety net. WWs do not like to be dangling from a trapeze with no safety net. When you start detaching properly she will feel the lack of control over you and she will freak out. She wants her Plan B secured, and by you detaching she feels that the safety net is slowly being removed. It makes her feel vulnerable.

So take all of this with a huge grain of salt. And for pete's sake stop telling her that her affair is wrong. She knows it is wrong. She may never say it or admit it, and she may always try to blame you, but that in no way means that she doesn't realize it is wrong. Telling her it is, over and over again, is pursuit. I know opinions vary on this, but this my opinion. If you DB right you don't even have to address the affair if and until she is really ready to R.

So those are my thoughts. I am sure you enjoyed the fact that you had your wife's attention during those discussions. But as others have said, she is in open rebellion to the MR, so discussing it really does nothing until she is no longer rebelling.