[HelenaJ]

This type of abuse is systemic and usually derives from a disordered personality, have you explored with an IC why you accept this level of abuse?

I think simply because I was so young when we got together. My parents did not have a great marriage and were partyers, drank too much, fought too much, my Dad scared the crap out of me and was physically violent toward my Mom although most of the physical violence occurred before I was born...my siblings had to see most of that. I was also on the wrong path when I met H, into drugs and major drinking and sleeping around. I was happy maybe for the first time ever when I met my H and all his controlling ways felt like love and in all honesty took me off the path of major self destruction.

I do hope that something that is said to you will reach you and start the avalanche of change you need.

In my eyes, I've made some pretty significant changes. So maybe they aren't the types of changes you mean or maybe you think they are going to be ineffective in the long run? I see my changes as follows: 1) accepting what H has said in terms of how he says our M will be. I am no longer trying to change his mind. 2) Telling him to stop texting me unless he is serious about things being different between us than they are. I used to accept any attention from him even if it was negative. Not anymore. 3) I gave him my rings back. This was meant to tell him that the situation as he's defined it is very serious and has consequences of its own.

You want the guy you M back and it's never happening.

Unfortunately My H has always been the way he is. I'd love to say he was different when we met but he wasn't. He has personality issues. There are tons of examples throughout the years. So, even worse, I want my H to be the guy he never was. Ha. Pretty likely right?