Pool lessons

[Zues126]

That's a great questions G and gets to the heart of the matter.
I think it's healthier to stay married and grind it out, even if much of the marriage is miserable and unfulfilling.

I could build a good case for why it's better that the marriage ended. For sure I am in a better spot now than when I was married. Less conflict. Less resentment. Less dysfunction. When contrasting that to an unhappy marriage with hostility I can see why it's easy for so many people to buy the "It's better to model being happy" narrative.

First of all, this makes a HUGE assumption: That NEITHER of us would have grown or changed, EVER. I don't believe this for a moment. Even if she never changed, if I could be the man I am now in my marriage I could've done enough to eliminate most of the dysfunction on my own. Could I have inspired her to take that journey along with me? Maybe, maybe not. And realistically the answer is probably to some degree. Not to the degree I desire, but more than not at all. But if I budged a lot and she budged even a tiny bit I think it could've turned into a strong, lifelong partnership.

To be fair, the divorce was a catalyst for much of my growth. But I can't credit that to the divorce. XW kind of thinks this way in justifying the D, she told me once "If this is what it took for you to be a better father then it's worth it". I don't buy that at all. That's like if she shot me and while in the hospital I realized how fleeting life was and became a better person. Does she get credit for my growth because she shot me??? NO. Would I have grown on my own in the marriage? Absolutely. It would've looked different, but I wouldn't have been stagnant forever, that's not who I am.

OK, but now assuming that neither of us ever grew or changed, and the marriage would have been miserable for the rest of our days. I still believe it would've been worth keeping together. On the surface this makes no sense. We weren't on speaking terms during some periods, didn't touch each other for months at a time, and there was a lot of resentment. But even in the midst of this, we were in love. I would pay the bills, pick her up her favorite dinner, get her something on her birthday. She would grocery shop and make my favorite meal for me, and stock the granola bars I liked that I started each day with. Little things in the middle of the storm that showed a love that was rooted deeply enough to survive the storm.

More importantly it was my purpose. Like I said in my last post, responsibility is sacrifice which gives meaning to our lives. I had a purpose to endure the suffering of life: To be a husband. Even if she decided to be a horrible W her entire life, I had someone I could serve that gave meaning to my life. Her decision not to meet my needs wouldn't interfere with me meeting my deepest needs in loving and serving her all my life.

I think that's the crux. People think marriage is about getting, not giving. And in today's world people think they should look to get more, instead of realizing that true fulfillment comes from giving more. People dating are all about trying to find someone that meets all of these expectations. In reality there is no one that could do enough for you to make you feel fulfilled, while most people that have the character to stick around could allow you to achieve your own fulfillment by giving your life to them.

Yes, I am doing better than I ever have in my life. But that has come from me finding my own happiness. There is a hole in my heart where I miss having someone to love, someone that drives me to power through the obstacles of life, someone to know that I am here and witness my life. Right now I have my children in my life, and my mother and father. But they have their own lives to live. I love playing pool and am having a blast in my life. But there is something very profound missing from all of it.

Look at it this way. Suppose you had a child that was mentally challenged, and possibly physically as well. And that child passed away. Would your life be easier? For sure. Would you be able to pour more resources into your hobbies? Go out for wine with friends when you wanted? Absolutely. But no one (or most people that aren't horrible) would choose for their child to die. They'd happily sacrifice all of those things and endure a difficult road if it meant they could care for their child and celebrate the time together, even if it was paved with hardship.

I know there's an argument about what we model for our kids. As far as I'm concerned I'd like to model these values and outlooks to my children as well.

This idea that it's best not to be 'taken advantage of' by giving more than you get, being self sufficient so you can be nobody's fool and not having to put up with disrespect from a partner that doesn't treat you right, and the focus on the superficial pleasures you can achieve when you unchain yourself from the oppression of a vow...this is the Devil's best lie in my estimation. It's very convincing. It reminds me of this quote:

She remembered the story from her childhood, about Adam and Eve in the garden, and the talking snake. Even as a little girl she had said - to the consternation of her family - What kind of idiot was Eve, to believe a snake? But now she understood, for she had heard the voice of the snake and had watched as a wise and powerful man had fallen under its spell.
Eat the fruit and you can have the desires of your heart. It's not evil, it's noble and good. You'll be praised for it.
And it's delicious.