Am I Piecing, or Pi$$ing in the wind???

[Clyde]

The frustration continues to mount... the latest episode:

D13 has been grounded for close to 7 weeks, she has been acting out around the house - being disrespectful to W & I, verbally abusive to her younger brothers, pretty much doing everything she knows she should not do. The normal consequence for these actions would be no tv, early bed time, phone taken away, no internet etc... non of which seemed to have an effect, after months of these consequences not being effective W and I figured out why, D13 had a acess to internet, emails, etc. via a device hidden in her room, so when she would get in trouble it was no big deal to her, she would just go hide in her room and surf the net. This is bad enough as it is but is much worse in my D13's case... she has had several infractions when it comes to her internet use. First being about 18!months ago, she started to use chat rooms to communicate w/ her friends in order to avoid being monitored at school and home, upon finding this out I dug deeper to figure out what needed to be hidden, we were fairly lucky as much of it was innocent stuff most 7th graders go through... tall tales, trying to sound older than she was and so forth... I found one correspondence both amusing and relieving, she was telling a friend about a boy in class that has tried "both pot and weed". Moving forward from that incident D13 was no longer allowed on the internet w/out us in the room. This latest occurrence is the 3rd time since that we have found her sneaking on the internet via a device hidden I her room. To compound matters D13's BF just got busted for sending naked pictures of herself to guys, (W was told this by D13's BF's Mom). Prior to W and I separating we put D13 in counseling to help her deal w/ all that was going on at home, we also asked the C to discuss this w/ D13. When D13 turned 13 she got her first phone, however internet was disabled and all text were mirrored to my phone.

This being the 3rd time D13 has done this W and I agreed that the consequences needed to be severe... we told D13 she was grounded until her actions are consistently improved, we even went as far as taking the door off her room. D13 has had a heck of a time getting ungrounded, her behavior actually got worse. Given that, we have been trying different approaches. Both W and I have taken D13 out for 1 on 1 outings even though she is grounded, this had little effect on her attitude. A week ago I told her that if she could go 2 days with out getting in trouble she could get off being grounded, she blew that chance after her 5th warning the first night (bullying little brothers, lying, rolling eyes when being warned about it so forth). I know much of this goes with the territory of being a teenager, but there is a complete disregard for anything W and I say, and given that she is constantly gravitating to the internet, what her friends are doing while on the internet, I do not want to compromise any more than I already have on the terms of her restriction, W has been in complete agreement with me til the other day.

So the W's "sister" was having a b-day party for her nephew, W had to work (I have not seen the "sister" since she made the false call to the police about me) so the "sister" wanted to take my D13 for the night so she could go to the party. My response was no she is grounded, W disagreed w/ me, said that is family she should not miss it. I did not go into the fact that they are not family, only stuck to the fact that D13 was grounded. D13 then comes out to my shop and ask what she can do to get ungrounded so that she can go, (W obviously told her about the invite), I told D13 she had her chance a few days ago, its to late for tonight's outing but that she should start putting in the work so that she does not have to miss anything else fun. D13 continued to push it all day, debating w/ me why she should not be grounded, saying that "Mom says I've been good enough to go". Away from D13 I approached W, said "I don't know what is going on, I feel like D13 is trying to manipulate the situation/us. She says you think she should be able to go." W responds, "I do think she should be able to go". I pointed out the this is the first time D13 has shown any discontent w/ being grounded, maybe this will sink in and be the catalyst for her turning her behavior around, but more importantly... W and I need to be a united front when it comes to our stances, not doing so is going to create major problems. W told me "I'm not going to lie to her". I responded "I know that you know better, you took child development and child psychology classes back in the day!" This whole convo I kept an even keel, trying to stay on track. W starts gritting her teeth and raising her voice, tells me "I'm not going to talk about this right now, I'm going to get ready for work". I responded, "we have been on the same page about her restriction, I feel that this is yet another Instance were your "sister" comes into the picture and all logic and reason goes out the door. There is more than enough time to discuss this before work, you are just choosing not to, but if you are going to grit your teeth and raise your voice then I am done with this convo for now.