I need to get better about that "apologizing" thing. I tend to be overly apologetic.
Of course, I don't think it's bad to apologize when I do something I feel is wrong. But I definitely need to apologize less.
I tend to worry about hurting feelings. Even if I shouldn't care.
I found out that lately she's been taking our son to the sitter and asking the sitter (who is my neighbor) if I'm "handling everything okay". Of course the sitter tells her that "given the circumstances, it seems that he is".
I don't know if that's good or bad, honestly. She seems to be more concerned about me lately, but I can't tell if she just wants me to be okay or if she's REALLY concerned about my well-being.
She's out of town for a couple more days. I really don't know what to make of everything. It seems like it's starting to change for the positive...but I can't tell for sure. I know it takes time.
In the meantime, I'm trying to have fun on a negative budget. Heh. BUT...at least I've made a few new friends, and overall I've been happier a bit lately. Not completely, of course. I still have my breakdowns.
The other day, before she left town, she stopped by a second time...after I had broken down. She asked if I was okay. I had been fine earlier that morning, I just told her I was having a rough day. I tried not to go into detail.
She hugged me and said she has those days, too.
I don't know. I'm going to keep the positivity going as much as I can. She just kinda caught me at a bad time. Heh.
I read your first posts. And some of your recent ones along with your rules. It seems you have come a long long way. Im wondering if you could chime in on my situation if or when you have time.
A week ago I was ready to give up after a year separation. I have tried so hard and everything just made it worse. I have had physical symptoms from emotional stress months ago. But I was giving and convincing etc. Now I am focusing on giving to myself and my daughter.
I do love my W and am very attracted to her, we had great sexual chemistry. Im also a good looking guy and successful. Other woman think Im crazy to still be trying. But I feel how I feel and I cant stand the thought of seeing my 3 year old daughter only half the time.
I am trying to get the respect and attraction back from my WOW. I have been too nice and too giving. She doesnt work and is trying to get out of a bad living situation she has a toxic relationship with her mom where she lives now and they cant communicate well.
I told her I would get her a rental property and help her since she needs money and I make solid income. We have both had other partners and it got serious at times but have both stopped and are working on ourselves. Not sure if she is telling me the truth Im trying not to care. I have cut communication down 95 percent by text. IF or when you have the time if you could read over my posts I'd really appreciate it. I am very analytical and smart and have done what I think should work instead of what actually does. Im also impatient and trying to work on that.
Thanks again for everyones time who is more experienced here. Ive been with my W since I was 24 and now 33. So Im still learning A LOT about relationships, emotional intelligence, marriage. I would do almost anything to get my W back to the woman she was in the M but she is like a different person almost all the time. Trying to focus on GOL and 180s reading and learning being a dad and running business.
Thanks again!
H: 33 W:32 M: 5 T: 8 D: 4 BD: 6/2017 MO: 6/2017 House sold: 6/28/18 W wants to build friendship / relationship- 9/18 Paying $ support since 7/18. Physical Reconnect- 10/18 W Starts- IC / MC - 10/18
Why in Gods name are you willing to pay for your Ws new place? She left you, dude. You arent good enough to be her husband, but youre good enough to pay her bills?... Dont let yourself be used. She walks out on you and you still front the bills? She has no respect for you. Good enough to ask money from, but not good enough to try the make the marriage work. Do not fall for this BS, man. You are better than that...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
The above post was directed to Did. Sorry for any confusion. Shouldve used the quote feature...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
I agree with mtb, you should not be paying for her apartment. I understand you love her and you want what's best for her and that she has a toxic relationship with her Mom. However. The relationship she has with her mother is not your concern. She is an adult woman who is choosing to move away from her M and there are consequences that come with that decision. It is not your job to save her from those consequences, in fact, it's quite the opposite. She needs to feel those consequences so that she can get a full understanding of what her decisions entail. Stop paying. And if you can't do that out of respect for yourself, do it out of love for her. She needs to make it or fail all on her own because this is her choice. You're a good person and if you go back on your agreement to pay for her place, she's going to make you feel like a bad person. Because you DID tell her you would, perhaps you can tell her you're willing to do it for 90 days so she can get a job and get on her feet. And I would only suggest doing this simply because you already agreed, not because I think you owe her ANYthing. What do you think of giving her 90 days?
M: 43, H: 44 Married 18 yrs, Together 26 yrs S17, D15, D8, S6 Still living in MH
Of course, I don't think it's bad to apologize when I do something I feel is wrong. But I definitely need to apologize less.
An apology, for some men with NGS, is their go-to tool to fix whatever may be wrong with the W at that moment. If she's upset, he thinks he must have unknowly done something to upset her. Even if she won't tell him, he sees apologizing as a way of making her feel better. It becomes a pattern in their relationship. All she has to do is give him the cold shoulder, and he'll start apologizing. The W will use this method to manipulate him, and it keeps him in a submissive position. He's trying to get in the good graces of his W, and she's holding him at arms length. This is unattractive and she'll lose her desire for him, as this becomes a big part of the dynamics in the MR.
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I found out that lately she's been taking our son to the sitter and asking the sitter (who is my neighbor) if I'm "handling everything okay". Of course the sitter tells her that "given the circumstances, it seems that he is".
I don't know if that's good or bad, honestly. She seems to be more concerned about me lately, but I can't tell if she just wants me to be okay or if she's REALLY concerned about my well-being.
Are you saying you want her to think you are falling apart? Do you see it drawing her back? If she came back out of concern for your well-being, she would not be attracted to you as a man. She needs to admire you and see you strong & independent, instead of co-dependent and crippled.
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The other day, before she left town, she stopped by a second time...after I had broken down. She asked if I was okay. I had been fine earlier that morning, I just told her I was having a rough day. I tried not to go into detail.
You absolutely must not break down in front of her, or the neighbor, or any of her friends. Do your crying in private.
A man should never want his W to return to him out of concern, pity, guilt, or shame.
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In the meantime, I'm trying to have fun on a negative budget. Heh. BUT...at least I've made a few new friends, and overall I've been happier a bit lately.
That's great! At least you are putting forth the effort. Based on reports from other LBS, when they GAL for real, they started feeling much better about themselves as individuals. I think it progress in your personal life.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Are you saying you want her to think you are falling apart? Do you see it drawing her back? If she came back out of concern for your well-being, she would not be attracted to you as a man. She needs to admire you and see you strong & independent, instead of co-dependent and crippled.
Absolutely not. But I'm concerned that if other people are giving her information rather than getting it straight from me, it could skew the progress that I've been trying to make.
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You absolutely must not break down in front of her, or the neighbor, or any of her friends. Do your crying in private.
I didn't, I had broken down between her visits that day. One thing that makes it harder is that with ADHD, there are issues with emotional regulation. The emotions work kinda the same, but can hit way, way harder than most people. There's not a lot of "control" that can be had over it, but I have been doing better with this, and as soon as I can get back in to see the doctor, I'm going to try to get it addressed.
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A man should never want his W to return to him out of concern, pity, guilt, or shame.
I don't. I want her to want to be with me, love me, and respect me as a person. I want her to CHOOSE to be with me.
Yesterday, I noticed something that I've noticed before, but tended to write off...when she's tired, she's grumpy.
She picked our son up, and I tried to mention something about ADHD that I thought would help her with him, but she got really stand-offish and sarcastic about it.
Basically, our son's psychologist said he's got ADHD. So do I, so I can recognize his symptoms. So do my older two kids, my brother, and so I do a LOT of research on it. She decided that she didn't want to hear it, so she chose to (at least in the conversation) believe that he's got autism...which he pretty much has none of the symptoms for (except those that overlap ADHD).
Basically, just to shut me up.
I'm starting to think (which my doctor pointed out when she went for me to get diagnosed), that she has it, too.
Of course, I hope she's thinking about it and taking it seriously. It doesn't give her a pass...but it DOES make me understand the behavior more if that's the case.
I dunno. She maintains to her friends that she never wants to come back. But I think she's going to have a LOT of thinking to do. And I'm starting to think that she's going to end up being diagnosed with ADHD at some point...and if so, then that may shift things even more...whether for the positive or negative, I don't know.
The W will use this method to manipulate him, and it keeps him in a submissive position. He's trying to get in the good graces of his W, and she's holding him at arms length. This is unattractive and she'll lose her desire for him, as this becomes a big part of the dynamics in the MR.