Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[SteveLW]

Davide,

I haven't been involved in your sitch since early on you and full engagement from Cadet. Cadet is a very wise DBer and you couldn't do any better than his guidance and advice.

I see you struggling the way we all do. It doesn't matter if you are 7 days in, or a year in, or if you are in D proceedings or working through R, we all ride the emotional roller-coaster. Upbeat and optimistic one minute, deeply depressed and pessimistic the next. All of that is very normal.

I think at the root of your struggles is obviously you have fully differentiated from your W (some call it detached). You are still hanging on every word and action she makes. If she says or does something you perceive as positive your heart leaps, if she does or says something negative, it sinks. Remember sandi's rules. If you don't go reread them. But to me, the most important one and one I often quote: believe NOTHING she says and only half of what she does.

The reason this is so important is because she will say things negative and if you believe them it will cause you to spiral. If she says something positive, if you believe them it will cause you to get to hopeful and start pressuring and pursuing. Kind of like in your last thread when she sent an email saying she missed what you had. You were ready to leap on that and try to expand on it. Cadet wisely cautioned you to slow down.

My W said something interesting both to me and to our MC. That 1 minute she might feel one way, and the next she might feel something completely different. Those feelings then guided her thoughts and actions. When she felt like staying in the MR, she would talk about future things, she wouldn't be looking for an apartment or a job, or researching. But then she would feel like leaving again so she would be looking for apartments, and researching D and how it would affect our D14.

The point here is that THEY don't even fully believe what they are saying or doing. Oh they might mean it at the moment they say it, but then their feelings switch again and they disavow whatever proclamation they previously made.

I reread your sitch, and in the meeting you described with the dog jumping on you so excited. Your W's words and actions were often in conflict. I agree in your assessment that she was struggling with her decision related to the MR. You could even see it when she agreed to the 8 weeks "work on the MR while separated" plan, only to back off of it because she said she wasn't "open-minded" about it. Up, down. Hot, cold. Left, right. (Sorry, don't mean to quote Katy Perry lyrics!)

So what is my point to all of this? Exactly what I said in the other thread that you quoted. You need to DB like a madman. GAL (sounds like you've done this well), detach (it appears you continue to struggle here), 180s (another thing you've done well), and be the best Davide you can be whether your WAW recognizes it or not.

Differentiation is the key to your success right now. And as AS and other experts say, success isn't measured on whether your W stays in the MR or not. Success is that you come through the other end healthy and happy.