Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Davide]

Maika,

Thanks for the kind words. It does feel good to get support from such a broad spectrum of people. I realized early on that swallowing pride and asking for help and reaching out to people was crucial for successfully navigating this situation.

However, like I pointed out on that forum, ultimately this is a journey that I need take on my own. I have run away from my issues and fears long enough. I am very comforted by the fact that my greatest fear (abandonment by W) has already come true, and yet I am not only still standing, but I am far stronger than I was before. I have always had a great fear of heights and falling, yet on Tuesday when I was lead-climbing and having to practice falling backwards off the wall from 30 feet up, I didnt hesitate, panic, or even feel much fear. It is very liberating. The worst thing I could have ever imagined has already happened to me, and yet here I am.

I am prone to reflection and over-analysis. Sure, I react with emotion when in high anxiety situations when my flight/fight impulse is activated, but in general I tend more to paralysis by analysis. I 100% agree on avoiding making decisions based on emotions. My decision to leave the house was made like that. It wasnt smart. Taking time to let the emotions pass and let your logical and reflective side sort out the issues is key.

The problem here is that there are so many competing motives even inside my own brain, and they are all real. Is there a part of me that wants to go to the party to see my wife? Yep. Is there a part of me that wants to go so that she can see how I have changed? Yep. Is there a part that simply wants to go to hang out one last time with my friends before I leave town? Yep. Is there a part that wants to go out of anger to show her that I can lead my own life and dont have to ask permission from her? Yep. Is there a part that wants to go just to avoid imagining it in my head the whole evening while I am not there? Yep.

My struggle is in weighing these competing interests and motivations, all of which I recognize are in my head.