job - thank you, its a start, been here before and will rise again. Actually looking forward to doing something different and been thinking to put less focus on the job I do and more on the life I have outside it.
Bttrfly - My gorgeous friend, mwah mwah to you, thank you for being my cheerleader. I have been in a really dark place lately and coming here and finding such beautiful souls to keep me going is a gift from my angels.
kml - Haha, I can always rely on you and bttrfly to keep me on track with my TSH !! I had my bloods done 3 months ago, just before I left on my travels. It came back the lowest its been in a long time, 2.71, their margins are 0,4 - 4 so I am well in between that and unless it goes over 4 they wont change my dose, I can tell my dr I am not feeling great until I am blue in the face, he just says that my levels are fine and he feels I have had a lot of changes in my life, but as I am continuing to be proactive, I work, I travel I make plans, he does not feel its depression, he feels its purely grieving and adjusting to my new situation. Now I have moved I will be registering with a new Dr, I have 3 months of meds left so will try to get tested just before they run out.
I really do feel that its a case of me facing what has gone on, when he left after BD2 I buried myself in work, I would work extra hours and extra days, I took on so much responsibility that I did not have the space to think about anything else. Then added a man in to the mix just to fill my time away from work( what a crazy few months that was!) so its no wonder that I have had a meltdown, I have had to face reality in all its glory. I knew it had to happen which is why I took the trip, to get it in the open and to stop bottling it up, building like a pressure cooker.
I don't know where life will take me, I do know I am not in the same place (literally ha ha) that I was 4 years ago, I still feel the depth of loss as deeply as ever, but these days I know that nothing stays the same and nor will these feelings, the intensity will fade.
I also know that I have done everything I can as a stander, I have been kind, considerate and accommodating, I have held out the olive branch from time to time so he knows I have not become an Ice Queen and that he is welcome in my world, that it is a safe place. If he doesn't find his way back to me or doesn't want to, then it wont have been through lack of compassion and commitment on my part so I go forward with ease knowing I could and can do no more than I am doing. I hope that we can continue to remain on a level of friendliness, even if its just for our boys.
He is currently still contacting me, an email this morning to which I have replied. I asked a couple of questions in this one, up until now I have not asked anything. Was nothing hard, just asked him about the rugby and how the girls (dogs) are coping with the cold snap we are having. Keeping it simple and letting him tell me what he wants me to know in his own time, be it good or bad.
Been to the beach this morning, -2 but sunny skies. Now just enjoying a cup of tea to warm my hands up and opening some gifts from my g/friends. S21 rang me earlier, he is doing fine and that makes me a happy mama, was lovely to speak to him. I haven't seen s24 yet, he and fiance have gone somewhere for the day in a mad rush, I think it has something to do with the wedding. Oh and bought myself a trifle for dessert, I haven't had trifle in years, saw it and thought why not, treat myself!
Thanks everyone, I don't have the right words to tell you how much it means to me that you are around to tell my ramblings, woes, struggles and triumphs to. We talk about the LBS being the rock for their MLC'er but you guys are this LBS rock, you have weathered many a storm with me and kept me from drowning, so thank you xoxo
