Affair, no feelings...is there hope? IV

[sandi2]

I'm sorry if I let my frustration hurt your feelings. That was not my intent, and I am not being helpful if I hurt you. This is the remark I referred to as pitiful. Quote: "I told her I thought it was rude to not acknowledge me or simply say goodnight.". This was your W's way of showing you a little more disrespect and getting her control in the relationship. Perhaps you thought you were calling her out on rude behavior, but by your description, it just sounded kind of weak and petty. However, I wasn't there to see it or hear your tone of voice.

Emotionally, my detachment is getting better. I definitely had a setback with the whole confrontation and her coming home situation. Sort of felt like I took my eyes off the road. But I'm back on track. Now I am just readjusting to having to navigate all the daily interaction. We spent a lot of time together over the holiday weekend; I did a few GAL things on my own but there were also a lot of events happening with mutual friends.

I am relieved to hear it.

I also struggle with things that aren't out of the house. For instance, since most of my friends are far away, I like to hop on and play online games with them. But I have some weird guilt about playing video games when my W is around. I've never been a big gamer or anything, but I would go months without playing at all since getting married. Now, I don't think I should feel bad at all if it's something I want to do in my down time, but I worry about it feeding my W's thoughts that I am not productive/responsible.

Well, she has been obvious about how she views you doing anything that doesn't revolve around her. She wants you to accommodate your activities according to what she wants. Honestly, I think she intends for you to feel guilty when you aren't being productive or attending to her. You are entitled to do things you enjoy.

Her entitlement is still through the roof, but I have been standing up to her and she is catching on. If she asks me for something and I give her the look, she might say "nevermind, it's okay" or she will try to add "please". I guess it's a start that she is acknowledging the dynamic, but when is she going to stop asking in the first place? I think she still fully subscribes to the idea that she can ask/expect all kinds of things from me because she works (yes, I have told her I am not an employee just because she brings home the paycheck).

You know how you said it will take time on your NGS? Same thing applies to her sense of entitlement. This has been the dynamic in the relationship, and she will continue to test you until you get enough of it. I think you are way too nice about it. Just giving her the look is not enough if you're going ahead and getting whatever she wants. Even if she adds a "please" on it, I think the only way to really break her from trying to "use" you to wait on her is to get rather short and have a "fed up" attitude about it. Not very nice, you say? Exactly my point! When a woman has stomped on a man with NGS for a long time, he often has to act not-so-nice before she treats him better. If you don't believe me, ask another WW.

There will be times you will get tired and just want to go back to how things have been in the past. It will never get better, if you give in to that old dynamic. She is trying hard to get to that level of control again.

So far, she has not shown remorse or humility since returning home. She is going to test what you said to her that day she came home, to see if you really stick to it. I think she will push the boundaries as much as she can and get by with it. So, don't expect to see any quick changes in how she interacts with you. You will have to hold her feet to the fire until she makes a change. It may feel as though it's been a long time, but it has been very short. It didn't have to be this way, but she was too stubborn and selfish to be willing to submit and behave like a loving, respectful W.

((hugs))