It definitely did hit a nerve. I was struck by the "stalker" comment. Upon reflecting I think it is because I was looking forward to having the opportunity to see her and let her see how well I am doing. I suppose there was a bit of pursuit in my heart, in that sense. However, I dont think that my actions were "stalkerish" at all. I have tried to be transparent and honest on here. I explained the situation beforehand and whether or not I should text her to "warn" her I was coming. The consensus seemed to be no, and I agreed, so I dropped it.
Honestly, today and yesterday have been much better for me. I actually have been able to take an interest in sports, which was a passion/distraction of mine over the last year, but which became unbearable post BD. I feel like I have reached a better place of detachment - not fully there, but much better than before. My appetite even came back last night.
I am thinking that I am going to give the party on Saturday a pass. I am probably not ready to deal with her in that context, nor with all the emotional fallout that it seems destined to provoke. I just need to come up with a plan to go out (hard since most of my friends will be there) and do something else.
I have also started doing some of the CBT exercises to see if that helps at all.
I did have another silly emotional moment today. I used to be a regular (multiple times a day) poster on a blog for fans of a sports team. It is kind of a crazy community but there are a lot of good folks on there. After BD I couldnt bring myself to go there at all (I used it as a distraction and a way to remove myself from my depression pre BD). In any case, there was some funny news that dropped last night and I posted on there for the first time in months saying that I was going through a really dark and distressing time but that this was the first thing that brought a smile to my face in months. When I logged on this morning, I was shocked to find an outpouring of support from so many different posters, people that I have never met in my life. It precipitated yet another tearful breakdown. To receive such support from you guys (and gals! h/t Vanilla) and even from anonymous sports fans is crazy to me.
I am so grateful to have both in my life.
Just do what YOU want. Everyone has emotions. You need to do a Johnny Drama psych up in the bathroom to make yourself feel better and look happy.
One thing I know, is when I'm talking and laughing or enjoying myself with a woman(a friend, trainer, whoever) in public (gym, bar, etc) is that women notice me smiling and being enjoyable. Women are attracted to that. They think: What could be so great? Why is this other woman enjoying him so much? Aren't I prettier than her?
That's why you get your emotions wrapped up and go to the party for a bit. But then mysteriously leave, breaking routine: no hug for you. But I sure enjoyed myself. Big grin, wave from across the room, and deuces (goodbye).
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
