Thanks Maika,

It definitely did hit a nerve. I was struck by the "stalker" comment. Upon reflecting I think it is because I was looking forward to having the opportunity to see her and let her see how well I am doing. I suppose there was a bit of pursuit in my heart, in that sense. However, I dont think that my actions were "stalkerish" at all. I have tried to be transparent and honest on here. I explained the situation beforehand and whether or not I should text her to "warn" her I was coming. The consensus seemed to be no, and I agreed, so I dropped it.

Honestly, today and yesterday have been much better for me. I actually have been able to take an interest in sports, which was a passion/distraction of mine over the last year, but which became unbearable post BD. I feel like I have reached a better place of detachment - not fully there, but much better than before. My appetite even came back last night.

I am thinking that I am going to give the party on Saturday a pass. I am probably not ready to deal with her in that context, nor with all the emotional fallout that it seems destined to provoke. I just need to come up with a plan to go out (hard since most of my friends will be there) and do something else.

I have also started doing some of the CBT exercises to see if that helps at all.

I did have another silly emotional moment today. I used to be a regular (multiple times a day) poster on a blog for fans of a sports team. It is kind of a crazy community but there are a lot of good folks on there. After BD I couldnt bring myself to go there at all (I used it as a distraction and a way to remove myself from my depression pre BD). In any case, there was some funny news that dropped last night and I posted on there for the first time in months saying that I was going through a really dark and distressing time but that this was the first thing that brought a smile to my face in months. When I logged on this morning, I was shocked to find an outpouring of support from so many different posters, people that I have never met in my life. It precipitated yet another tearful breakdown. To receive such support from you guys (and gals! h/t Vanilla) and even from anonymous sports fans is crazy to me.

I am so grateful to have both in my life.


W 34 Me 42
Married 7 years together 8
0 kids 1 beloved dog
BD 4/6/2018
I moved out 4/7/2018
I moved back in alone 8/05/2018
I file 3/06/2019
D official 5/7/2019