Sincerely THANK YOU for your very kind words! When truly feeling like my life is in total devastation it is so wonderful to hear such positive, supporting words!
I ask my IC about bipolar, but was advised no as best I know there are no associated manic states. My IC does agree that she needs treatment and that she will likely spiral until she hits rock bottom, whatever shape that make ultimately take. The mood swings and other psychosomatic changes associated with her diet pills may be exacerbating an underlying depression. She has told me previously that she was treated as clinically depressed following her last relationship. Add to that some likely undisclosed and therefore, untreated post partum and as my IC put it, your W has a ton of baggage. I was told I could not have foreseen the changes in my W following the birth of our D and as W decided to not come forward with her unhappiness about motherhood it has likely festered such that she has instead projected all of her anger/resentment/etc on to me.
LOL not everyday you get the news that you are now the living embodiment of all the hatred living within the one you've vowed to love forever and most certainly do.
My daughter, faith, hope, time, love those are all I have. W will likely divorce me immediately when she can with no explanation of why nor having lifted a single finger to do a single thing to try and save our MR. My D therefore at 3 will likely NEVER have the blessing to have a lasting memory of a shared happy experience with her mother and father. How my W will be able to live with herself with such a guilt, shame, regret...quite simply I'm glad that I will always be able to tell my D that her father did all he could and would have moved heaven and earth to save her family.
Well W is off on another trip sometime today. No idea her flight info, don't care either. Desperate attempt to escape reality. Good luck with that. Should allow me to have several days of non-drama with D at the marital house so that's a positive.
On a side question...post divorce as even 3 months in, this seems inevitable. What are folks thoughts on dating someone who still resides in the marital home they had with their EW? Is that a for sure deal breaker for some, not a big deal given the realities of divorce? I likely could keep the marital home, BUT my worry becomes in the future if I were to want to date, would that creep out any perspective new ladies. The catch is that my D knows the residence as HER house so again the dilemma and question. I know I'm long ways from this, but I am trying to get some clarity on my stance should what seems inevitable come to pass.
I don't think you should use that for a basis of whether you should stay in your house or not. I think it boils down to: can YOU properly move on staying in the house you shared with your W?
Also, I want to caution you on pronouncing D as inevitable. You are 3 months in. Some people linger in limbo for months and years and eventually R. So I wouldn't see D as a forgone conclusion just yet. You have plenty of work to put in and thinking like that will trip you up on your journey.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The family home is tough. I am moving back into mine in August and I have no idea how I will react. Long term, as much as I love the house, the neighborhood, and the bargain mortgage, I do not see myself establishing a post-D life in the house. Of course, it is easier for me since I dont have any kids. I just dont see how I could move past the "ghosts" and memories in order to construct a new life either by myself or with a new partner.
As Steve said, we are both very early in the process so it is hard to predict how we will feel about these things in 6 months or a year. It is probably best to take it one step at a time.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Steve see that is the challenge. Keeping the house is the absolute best thing for my D, but for me definitely not. There are custody ramifications as well if I choose not to stay as it's a rural area so abundant housing is not available. The question for dating is less important to be honest than what I've just provided. Feels rather like choosing D's best interest or mine.
And yeah, I hear ya. Just in the "preparing for the worst" mindset and the journey to date shows that a wise course of action. Additionally, I need to walk through that scenario so as to have plenty of time to evaluate some major life decisions that I would need to make. For sure til then I'll continue to lovingly detach and GAL for me. The winds they just ain't blowing in the other direction is all.
When my wife told me she didn't want to be married anymore when I confronted her about her EA, she relayed her grand plan to me. She was going to get a job, get an apartment, and get a divorce.
She had this whole fantasy worked out about a quickie online D, I would keep the house, and my daughter would live full time with me. She would float in and out for family activities and dinners. And would still have a key and could help with the dogs and other logistics.
As AS said, it would be all unicorns flying over rainbows pooping skittles.
After my shock wore off and I regained my bearings, and I started to let her go, I started to pop her fantasy bubble. First on the quickie onlind D, I said good luck. We have a child there was no way we would be able to go the online D route. Second, we will sell the house and split the proceeds. This one hit her really hard. She knew that this would affect D14 greatly, since I would likely downsize to smaller property affecting my daughters ability to ride atvs and utvs for recreation, etc.
These two things in particular really started to make the unicorn poop change to real poop. And the rainbows to dissipate. My W started saying things like she didn't want to just stay for financial and logistical reasons. Etc.
If keeping the house is too much, then I would suggest you speak to your W about the fact that you think it will be best to sell the house.That might start to sober her up.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Also, when my W protested my plan to sell the house, I pointed this out to her. I told her it was no fair for her to move on from MR and start this new life, and not expect that I would do the same. I think this helped her see the selfishness in her "plan".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
The only time I have met my wife post BD we spoke for an hour and a half and I was calm and collected as she wept repeatedly. She was resolute in saying she didnt want to be married. However, when I brought up selling the house she completely broke down. She said that she wasnt ready to talk about that yet.
I think you are right about the fantasy and reality. I wonder what happens when my W moves out of the house in August and is faced with reality.
(hijacking of thread over. sorry)
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Much of what you just described is similar to my sitch. W's "plan" is predicated on her moving out, I keep the house that way I can share D 50/50, she's free, I'm there and all lives happily ever after. Selling the house pops MANY huge fantasy bubbles in her plan. Thing is it would make 50/50 custody of my D much harder, but here again I don't need a SF home if it's just me 50% of the time. As I say multi-faceted topic and decision.
Oh and I forgot the kicker of her plan, she worked so hard on the MR during S, but he was the bad guy as he started dating imaginary women and so she had no choice but to D.
Much of what you just described is similar to my sitch. W's "plan" is predicated on her moving out, I keep the house that way I can share D 50/50, she's free, I'm there and all lives happily ever after. Selling the house pops MANY huge fantasy bubbles in her plan. Thing is it would make 50/50 custody of my D much harder, but here again I don't need a SF home if it's just me 50% of the time. As I say multi-faceted topic and decision.
Oh and I forgot the kicker of her plan, she worked so hard on the MR during S, but he was the bad guy as he started dating imaginary women and so she had no choice but to D.
Yep, good stuff here. People endure much more hardship to make 50/50 work.
Also, on the kicker. That is her fantasy popping. And trying to find another excuse to continue on her "plan".
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
