My WAS - looking help and thanks in advance PART 2

[SteveLW]

[quote=Steve85]I haven't seen a definitive guide on dealing with the WW, and I saw a post how you should not validate a WW like you would a WAW. So I'm confused there.

I think sandi says this. However, I think that is only when there is open disrespect. Don't validate open disrespect. I won't speak for sandi, but I think in your sitch, listening and validating is the key. And do no mention the A. That is pressure and pursuit. Either it will die, or she will leave you for OM. More than likely the first. Now, if her infidelity is not something that you can get over, then you should move forward with D.

[ovrrnbw]

Nope. You misunderstood what was going on. See above.

Doh. I have to temper my desires, they influence my thoughts.

Wow that sounds really passive/ aggressive. Does she have those tendencies?

Not typically, but she is acting way out of her moral code right now. And she is certainly struggling with her self image, spewing nonsense, and rewriting history all while being sad and wringing her hands over how people perceive her.

Two HOURS???? No bueno.

I probably should have just said no to the interaction. It was dumb that she woke me up in the first place. It took another hour to me to fall back asleep.

So basically you abandoned your DB'ing and went off the rails. Well that's a big backslide to be sure. Time to get back on the horse. Remember- LISTEN and VALIDATE. Nothing more. This isn't the time for you to share feelings and such.

Doh. So how do I respond when she asks who I've told? "Nunya"? (as in nunya bidness)

[ovrrnbw]

Small update from last night:

Talked to WW on phone around 7 PM, maybe I shouldn't have. First thing, she asks "Where are you"? I said "hanging out". I use this response and the "nothing/nowhere" response as casually as if someone had asked me "what's up".

She wanted to know if I'd move a trailer, I had already agreed so I confirmed I would.

Got home from GAL, was reading and went out to eat w/ my sis. Shower, bed, WW is folding laundry in MB, I get in bed and decide to fold a couple things too. She put some of my clothes away actually. She asks "where are you going out so late". I reply just with friends. She didn't say anything about me getting in bed and she got her pillows out of the other bedroom.

Eventually, kind of late, about an 1.5 hours after I fell asleep she moved to the front bedroom. She was disturbed by a late night notification on my phone, I could feel her turn when it buzzed.

One good thing from GAL w/ my sis: I brought up how WW asked me "how do you do it?" in terms of going to the lake and living my normal life. If she says anything like this again I'm going to remind her that I have been getting help, counseling, reading. I'm not over our situation. I need help rephrasing this so it's not TMI or pursuit.

[SteveLW]

How do you do it?

Your response: It keeps my mind off of our situation when I stay busy.

[ovrrnbw]

A couple other things:
-anniversary coming up soon, keep quiet right?
-I have been going out of town since the beginning of May to the lake. Do I need to be at home or just keep doing what I/we would normally be doing?
-when she tells me her feelings of sadness, just validate right?

[ovrrnbw]

Update from today:

WW really needed to call me 3 times in a row to find... air mattress. Told her it's not at home, she informs me her sister's engagement party is tomorrow and that it's going to be really hard for her. Phone call highlights:

--said she never stopped being open with me...while we were married (we still are), even though I hurt her and threw her heart around
-questioned why I had air mattress at the lake, asked how many people, which friends, did I take a girl, was one of my sister's friends there (she views this friend as a threat); says she doesn't care if that girl was there (which is obviously why you brought it up)
-she gets mad that I won't answer, I tell her I'm confused why this matters
-I tell her I'm going to get going several times, she extends conversation several times, asking "can we talk for just a minute"?
-says "this seems like it is really easy for you". I'm just curious. I tell her it's not with a story from my past. She tells me that it is hard for, b/c it's "what you're used to", and it's weird when you're not doing what you're used to.
-a lot of smalltalk
-I go to end conversation a 3rd time, she asks if I've told her parents about her affair. Said she'd rather them not know.
-I asks If I blame her for "that" (her affair), says "do you think I'm bad"? She says she thinks it "looks bad, but what else was I supposed to do"? I just validated this, maybe I was wrong.
-was worried that I was going to try to "mess her up bc of it", and got defensive when I don't quickly respond. Cried and said "I don't want to be screwed over". "I don't know if you're not thinking about me at all". Then she starts bawling (crying).

Then we met in person at a Panera, here's the highlights:
-WW cried a lot, she is sad, how is this "happening to her"?
-WW hates me but loves/cares about me, but doesn't love me
-WW won't have anywhere to live, won't be able to get a loan for anything
-WW says this is very hard
-WW stated (again) that I am doing fine on my own. I informed her that I have feelings too but that I am dealing with them, reading, getting help, talking to people.
-Her mom is mad at her b/c her uncles helped us with a lot of work (for free) and they will be at the party tomorrow
-asked who I've told about her affair. I informed her that she's in a relationship w/ someone else so we aren't freely exchanging info
-we hugged once inside, she initiated a hug before we left
-I validated a lot of feelings, asked her questions about them
-she reiterated before she left that it's going to be hard to be around family tomorrow, so I told her "why don't you just tell them"?
-mad at my friend for discussing her affair with someone else
-wants to know what my mom, dad, and sister all think/say about her/the situation
-stated how it's hard b/c she "doesn't believe in divorce" and she "meant her vows to love me" but that she doesn't love me right now...

[ovrrnbw]

I also told her that the door is still open for her, but that I can't control what she does and I won't try. I kinda wanted to "open a window" without pursuing, this was on the advice of my counselor. Maybe this was wrong, pursuit, R talk. I dunno.

[Did]

[Vanilla]

Update from today:

WW really needed to call me 3 times in a row to find... air mattress. Told her it's not at home, she informs me her sister's engagement party is tomorrow and that it's going to be really hard for her. Phone call highlights:

--said she never stopped being open with me...while we were married (we still are), even though I hurt her and threw her heart around
-questioned why I had air mattress at the lake, asked how many people, which friends, did I take a girl, was one of my sister's friends there (she views this friend as a threat); says she doesn't care if that girl was there (which is obviously why you brought it up)
-she gets mad that I won't answer, I tell her I'm confused why this matters
-I tell her I'm going to get going several times, she extends conversation several times, asking "can we talk for just a minute"?
-says "this seems like it is really easy for you". I'm just curious. I tell her it's not with a story from my past. She tells me that it is hard for, b/c it's "what you're used to", and it's weird when you're not doing what you're used to.
-a lot of smalltalk
-I go to end conversation a 3rd time, she asks if I've told her parents about her affair. Said she'd rather them not know.
-I asks If I blame her for "that" (her affair), says "do you think I'm bad"? She says she thinks it "looks bad, but what else was I supposed to do"? I just validated this, maybe I was wrong.
-was worried that I was going to try to "mess her up bc of it", and got defensive when I don't quickly respond. Cried and said "I don't want to be screwed over". "I don't know if you're not thinking about me at all". Then she starts bawling (crying).

Then we met in person at a Panera, here's the highlights:
-WW cried a lot, she is sad, how is this "happening to her"?
-WW hates me but loves/cares about me, but doesn't love me
-WW won't have anywhere to live, won't be able to get a loan for anything
-WW says this is very hard
-WW stated (again) that I am doing fine on my own. I informed her that I have feelings too but that I am dealing with them, reading, getting help, talking to people.
-Her mom is mad at her b/c her uncles helped us with a lot of work (for free) and they will be at the party tomorrow
-asked who I've told about her affair. I informed her that she's in a relationship w/ someone else so we aren't freely exchanging info
-we hugged once inside, she initiated a hug before we left
-I validated a lot of feelings, asked her questions about them
-she reiterated before she left that it's going to be hard to be around family tomorrow, so I told her "why don't you just tell them"?
-mad at my friend for discussing her affair with someone else
-wants to know what my mom, dad, and sister all think/say about her/the situation
-stated how it's hard b/c she "doesn't believe in divorce" and she "meant her vows to love me" but that she doesn't love me right now...

Please don't validate bad behaviour. It's like rewarding a child for stealing sweets.

The effects of her waywardness has to hit home. So the attitude is you did the crime noW do the time.

You wouldn't validate a mugger who steals your wallet or forgive them whilst they are still mugging you.

She is trying to minimise the effect of her behaviour on her.

So STFU if you can't say "serves you right" (in a nicer way perhaps. And shorten these convos.

Seriously, this is clearly trying to execute plan B.

My thoughts

V

[sandi2]

It is all her concern for herself. Every bit of it is about her!