Steve...yeah I know even outwardly with her pushing me today, there's definitely fear within her. Almost feels like she's wanting to push a fight, provoke me before she flies out. I'm not biting. Have simply said I'll work with her as this process goes along.
Fair enough. I get how that rush could be off putting. Interestingly I am 2 months separated and cannot file for D until 12 months post separation. But I am the one who has initiated nearly all those talks. When my W brought up buying a car it definitely triggered me as well.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
Davide...yeah 9 months from being able to file so why day before W leave for a trip the urgency to try and sort through who gets what lamp in the house. like panic urge/anxiety when plenty of time remains to sort things like that. like she is planning to file on exactly the first day she can. that's the way her anxiety/planning works.
I'm not the most spiritually developed person so to speak. I was really talking more about abstractly about God's plan/hand in this without appreciating free will we each have. I'd said my struggle is more on the WHY this happened (did God let this happen) than on the control/change of her.
Quite right, why does he let marriages that are supposedly ordained by him crumble, why does he ignore prayers begging for his healing, for that matter why do innocent children die of cancer. I used to be very religious but BD made me do some serious soul-searching in every aspect of my life including this one. I don't buy the "free will" claim, rather I think we completely misunderstand who (or what) "God" is. He's not the white-bearded Santa sitting up there meting out miracles to those who ask. He's not some angry, vengeful bully burning people for "sinning". He (or she or it or them) is beyond our understanding and feels it's not necessary to intervene in our lives. My point isn't to push anyone away from their chosen religion or spirituality, it is to drive home the fact that WE HAVE TO DO THE WORK. No one is going to save us from this. We've got to suffer, we've got to persevere, and we must rise above this. And while we have support (especially here), we really have to do the hard work ourselves. I think some people try to pray their way out of things and that just doesn't work. Absolutely pray if it brings you some piece of mind, but don't use it as a substitute for the hard work you need to do.
And Ballast I'm not addressing you specifically, that's more of an open message
I'm not the most spiritually developed person so to speak. I was really talking more about abstractly about God's plan/hand in this without appreciating free will we each have. I'd said my struggle is more on the WHY this happened (did God let this happen) than on the control/change of her.
Quite right, why does he let marriages that are supposedly ordained by him crumble, why does he ignore prayers begging for his healing, for that matter why do innocent children die of cancer. I used to be very religious but BD made me do some serious soul-searching in every aspect of my life including this one. I don't buy the "free will" claim, rather I think we completely misunderstand who (or what) "God" is. He's not the white-bearded Santa sitting up there meting out miracles to those who ask. He's not some angry, vengeful bully burning people for "sinning". He (or she or it or them) is beyond our understanding and feels it's not necessary to intervene in our lives. My point isn't to push anyone away from their chosen religion or spirituality, it is to drive home the fact that WE HAVE TO DO THE WORK. No one is going to save us from this. We've got to suffer, we've got to persevere, and we must rise above this. And while we have support (especially here), we really have to do the hard work ourselves. I think some people try to pray their way out of things and that just doesn't work. Absolutely pray if it brings you some piece of mind, but don't use it as a substitute for the hard work you need to do.
And Ballast I'm not addressing you specifically, that's more of an open message
While I don't agree in totality, well said, and I agree with more of this than you think. I never pray for God to make my W love me more, or want the MR more, or to fix my marriage. I do pray for the strength, wisdom and understanding to do the work you mention! And to be at peace with whatever the outcomes ends up being.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast I'll let others weigh in, but I espouse the Biblical view of loving your wife. "Love your wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for it." That means not fighting with her over minute details of the D. She wants the silverware? Give it to her. She wants the Italian leather couch? Give it to her. Do not turn D discussions into wars. Bend over backwards to accommodate her.
I generally agree but come at it from a different angle. I don't think giving her everything she wants is demonstrating love, at least not to a WAS, and in fact she may see it as weakness. However I do believe in being fair, and if the settlement is a -little- tilted in her favor then it's not worth fighting over. A long court battle can be expensive and extremely stressful, sometimes people will spend tens of thousands on lawyers fighting over a thousand bucks worth of stuff. Neither side is "made whole" in divorce, it's really about finding a middle ground that you can both live with.
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Most are afraid of getting taken to the cleaners, but what is more important? Letting your WAW know that you still love her unconditionally, or getting a bunch of stuff that will have no value in a few years?
Sometimes I'll read a comment like this that reminds me of a famous picture of two people sitting on the floor of a court room dividing up hundreds of Beanie Babies. It's a classic example of two people splitting and fighting over something that a few years later had utterly no value at all. So yeah, fighting over belongings and furnishings can get a little silly sometimes.
Originally Posted By: Accuray
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
I'm asking for a friend, but where can one of these "instant gratification" machines be purchased?
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Relationships are highly entangled, hugely complex organisms laden with long delay feedback loops, outside influences, historic baggage, etc. When relationships break down you want to put your finger on the exact "why" so that you can learn from that, but more importantly take measures to protect yourself from having it happen again.
When you can't figure out the exact why, you can't put a targeted protection plan in place, and therefore you feel exposed.
One of the singular most painful things about this process is never getting to the "why" in any kind of satisfying conclusion.
As always, you have a real gift for explaining fuzzy subjects, nicely said! A huge part of "dropping the rope" is coming to accept that you'll never know "why". I think continuing to ask "why" just leads us down cheeseless tunnels. The first step to accepting is to quit asking the question.
I cannot work out if your W is wayward or disordered.
Whichever it is I think you should treat W as if she was wayward.
She is either angry for a reason she thinks is valid (she believes you are cheating) or its manipulation to blame you so she looks good on D. I think the latter.
But I am confused and if V is confused, it's confusing.
So sorry, I think I would be in a spiral of doom too if this was in my life.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I would say she is both. She is angry because she believes I have an imaginary woman that I am cheating on her with AND she is trying to use that delusion to make me the bad guy. Of course all of her family knows she has not talked to me once since she left so.
Well one day that imaginary woman will be a real life partner who sees and wants the best for ballast.
When you are free of W and her scrambled eggs for brains.
I must confess my first thought is bi polar disorder which as you know is a physiological disorder controlled by medication.
The delusions and anger strike me as typical of a couple of my friends spouses on that trail. Especially if it's escalating.
There isn't anything you can do if it is. W will need medical treatment.
Those are my thoughts and I am untrained but have a double degree in physiology and psychology. I think a proper diagnosis is required. But it won't happen until it gets out of hand which it may.
In a couple of years it will likely unfold in time.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
