Well...just got a doc from W in which she has provided a rough draft of how to divide up items in the house between us. It's a trigger for me of course as I do love her even though I know if this is what she wants it will happen...trying to determine how I wish to reply. She plans WELL into advance else her anxiety kicks in.
I think just a simple "Sounds good." will work. Remember, this woman KNOWS you. She likely is trying to continue her passive-aggressive methods of trying to control you. Just accepting as is will throw her for a loop.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
ballast I'll let others weigh in, but I espouse the Biblical view of loving your wife. "Love your wife as Christ loves the church and gave Himself for it." That means not fighting with her over minute details of the D. She wants the silverware? Give it to her. She wants the Italian leather couch? Give it to her. Do not turn D discussions into wars. Bend over backwards to accommodate her.
Most are afraid of getting taken to the cleaners, but what is more important? Letting your WAW know that you still love her unconditionally, or getting a bunch of stuff that will have no value in a few years?
I know the emotional side of this is bigger than the minute details, and that is what you are struggling with. But by letting go it will show her that you are not going to engage her in controversial D topics. Again, it is the opposite of what she is expecting and that will cause her to take notice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, yep the emotion side is what took the shot. The doc is fair and honestly WAY LOW priority compared to custody of D. It's so low priority that it's clear she threw it out today way more for effect on me than any pressing need to agree on this stuff ASAP. Like hm, I'm getting ready to go have fun, let's see I'll tell him I want the lamps in the living room.
Plan to reply detached as I expected to and you concur.
Sorry she's been testing you lately Ballast! Here's the bright side: people can get angry with you for any reason at any time. How that then makes *you* feel is something you can work on. The natural reaction when someone is angry with you is to feel bad / guilty / defensive / scared etc. That tends to ignite an emotional fight or flight type response that leads things to escalate.
If you can step back and feel confident in the fact that you do not deserve this anger and haven't done anything wrong, then you can shift your perspective from defensiveness to seeing that the other person is scared and feeling empathy for them. Ignore her words and actions and realize that you're dealing with someone who is acting out of fear.
Originally Posted By: ballast
I'd said my struggle is more on the WHY this happened
Yes, that's the root of feeling out of control. You can't explain the why, so you can't take comfort in being able to prevent it from happening again, and that's unsettling.
People love linear systems and immediate feedback -- I press the lever and I get a pellet. I can understand that.
Relationships are highly entangled, hugely complex organisms laden with long delay feedback loops, outside influences, historic baggage, etc. When relationships break down you want to put your finger on the exact "why" so that you can learn from that, but more importantly take measures to protect yourself from having it happen again.
When you can't figure out the exact why, you can't put a targeted protection plan in place, and therefore you feel exposed.
One of the singular most painful things about this process is never getting to the "why" in any kind of satisfying conclusion.
There are thousands of small contributors, and you can treat and improve upon each one, but you probably won't feel that the sum of those changes fully insulates you from experiencing a loss like this again.
The first phase of this journey for most is guilt -- searching our memories and inventorying all our shortcomings. The first reaction of some people on this board to a newbie is often "you weren't meeting her needs" which further reinforces this stage of guilt.
Relationships aren't that simple. If you weren't meeting her needs, chances are she wasn't meeting your needs either, and the reasons for that are many and varied. A relationship is an equilibrium between two personalities, and its state is a reflection of both contributions to it.
You're doing fine Ballast, continue to disengage and don't react to the bait. This too shall pass.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
LOL so my detached reply netted me a followup email where she brought out the "we only have x months before we can file"...again more pressure from her...day before she goes to have fun
I am awaiting the same list of items from my wife for her impending move from the house in August. (I am currently out). I am sure that will be a trigger.
Unless there is something you want on the list I would just tell her that it looks good. I agree about not nickel and diming her. For me the biggest hurdle was our dog, whom we both love dearly and got together. I already got that out of the way by saying that I wanted the dog, and she agreed.
I dont understand what is passive/aggressive about putting together a list like that. It sounds pretty reasonable to me if there is going to be a separation. That's not to say it is easy to take, far from it. Just let her know you read it and what you think about it and try to detach. (Hard I know.)
I'll be there soon enough joining you.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
As we are just around 3 months separated, we must be a year separated before filing. What I'm catching is her anxiety to get this sorted out. WHY the day before she leaves on a trip..again I think just to antagonize me. She has again replied to say "this can't linger" "we tend to not communicate well" LOL ya think? you haven't said a word one to me about why you left!
By her emails she is strongly showing she is done and wanting to move along.
