Thinking more about it prob her just trying to manipulate me if she thinks she has lost control of me. Sandi posted once something about that an LBH could basically do the exact opposite of pretty much anything he originally thought about doing and it would be a better choice.
Very possible, just don't get angry with her. You're in charge of your emotions.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Journaling a bit...so W's silence/anger her just trying to punish/manipulate me I guess. Somehow even just for co-parenting she will have to stop this childish/immature behaviour. We will need to be able to talk for the health/upbringing of our D. Happy that I stayed calm and didn't react to it. Been watching spiritual videos on marriage/divorce. I struggle with how God would allow us to meet, marry, have a precious D and then allow it to be destroyed. I dare not be selfish given the blessings I have, but rectifying that issue is tough.
Also watched one on marriage commitment, how couples have committed before God and family to each other no matter what. Then hearing W say she needs to find herself, what she wants, etc...you were to have done that BEFORE we made the commitment to each other. Completely not saying that marriage once entered into is some prison where folks must surrender their lives, clearly that's crazy, but simply we committed ourselves to each other. How she could throw that away, perhaps she simply never took it as seriously as I did.
Last I watched one on the destructive feeling of selfishness in a marriage. Here again she has clearly vocalized "I need to focus on me, my needs, what I want, etc" Her saying that presently indicates to me that any chance of R is over before it starts unless/until she felt committed more to us rather than herself.
Anyway I don't say these things for more than perspective. Watching them help inform me and make me clearly away of the fact that I can't do anything about our present situation other than take care of myself. Realizing the limits of my ability has helped free me from much of the angst I feel about "not doing".
W is off on another trip starting tomorrow. 5 days of no responsibility, alcohol and acting like she's 25 again. thankfully I'll have my D throughout and we'll have a great time..
thank you all for your comments since my last post!
On your first point, this is not God's will. IN God's plan marriage is for life. The reason he "allows" it is because of free-will. ballast I see you struggle with this a lot in your postings, the fact that you can't control and/or change your wife. She has her own brain to make her own decisions. Unfortunately those decisions affect you and your D.
You mention selfishness. Yes, WWs are the most selfish creatures on the planet. Thus the whole dynamic of "she removed her ring months ago but freaked out about me removing mine last week". Why? She sees that as a threat to her control over you. She wants you as Plan B. That way if all of her current efforts fail she can always come back to you as her Plan B. You removing your ring threatens that. And as the selfish WW that she is now she doesn't like the fact that it limits her choices.
You mention commitment. However, as a LBH you struggle with this like most of us do/did, SHE IS NOT THE WOMAN YOU MARRIED! That woman is gone, maybe never to come back. In her place is this uber-selfish WW that doesn't care about any prior commitments that she has made. Nor whether or not it is okay to lie in order to get what she wants. You have to come to grips with the fact that the person you are dealing with has one thing as their sole purpose now: doing whatever they think will make them happy.
I know you were journaling there, but sometimes it helps to hear things again. I am sure most of what I typed you have heard and read before, but sometimes we have to be reminded of those things. And typing it to you helps me keep the proper perspective in my own sitch.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve...thank you as always for your quick replies.
I'm not the most spiritually developed person so to speak. I was really talking more about abstractly about God's plan/hand in this without appreciating free will we each have. I'd said my struggle is more on the WHY this happened (did God let this happen) than on the control/change of her.
I see the poison a spouse being selfish causes an MR. A couple just can't hope to survive with that in the heart of one of them. I took my ring off simply put as she had done the same much earlier. I will not be a Plan B..
Yep, I get that grips. Again I was talking more in the abstract of relationships rather than in the reality of a WW as we talk about so much here. Her traveling is her attempt to escape reality, in fact she has another lined up for July already as well. As my IC says, no matter what she does she's not able to find happiness for herself. Intrestingly IC also thinks she'll try to come back before D. She says all of her anger is covering a deep fear of losing me and that somewhere deep in her is the very strong fear of "Oh S88T, I've really lost him now and I'm still not happy!"
I do appreciate the counsel/comments. It's great for each of us to learn/share with each other and progress.
Sounds like you have a pretty good IC, with some keen insights. I agree that her anger over your ring removal was exactly what the IC said. That is a good sign if R is still your goal. However, I do think that she is open to a Plan A. I know in my sitch I feel that if a solid Plan A had come along (and my wife's EA AP was NOT a solid Plan A) she may have jumped at it.
It does kind of hurt to look back and realize that we may still only be together because nothing better materialized before I was able to burst her fantasy bubble and bring her back to reality. But that's what I have to face. I think that if it ever happened again I will be much better equipped to kick her to the curb in short order.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Yes I think the IC I work with is very good with her observations. To her FEAR is the real feeling behind W's anger. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of losing me seem to be big ones. Given as I've stated of my W's personality even if I wanted to R, hard to see that as even a possibility. As for Plan A, heck she may already have one. I've no idea beyond what she has "said". If I knew she did, heck it would have been MUCH easier a long time ago for me to walk.
Perhaps it was/is God's will that she NOT find someone else.
Craziest thing to me is...she says she wants out, I say ok, your decision I won't fight you...WHY IS SHE ANGRY THEN? I mean I'm giving you what you want...why not just make it easy?
Your reaction was the opposite of what she expected. She doesn't like that because she thought you would beg and plead. ballast her anger is a good thing! Anger is a typical WW reaction to good DBing.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Only thing I was thinking is if you don't want to be with me, LEAVE then and let me be!
I know we've said otherwise but I think she does have HUGE guilt on the impact her leaving would have on the life of our D. She knows very clearly how us divorcing would alter D's life forever.
I agree that the fact that your W is reacting like this is a sign that she is out of control - she is reacting emotionally to your actions. That seems better to me than no reaction. She feels you pulling away and doesnt like it. I wish I got that reaction.
Stay detached. It sounds like you and your IC are doing a good job. Keep it up. Detachment puts you in control.
W 34 Me 42 Married 7 years together 8 0 kids 1 beloved dog BD 4/6/2018 I moved out 4/7/2018 I moved back in alone 8/05/2018 I file 3/06/2019 D official 5/7/2019
