HaWho - Thank you, I have "felt" a lot during these past few weeks, extreme highs and lows, at times emptiness which I took as having cleared some of the emotional baggage out, I am actually not sure how much, if any, I have let go, I feel ok about things on one level and then feel like nothing has changed on another. I know its a process, and I have most likely gone about dealing with it the hard way, but 4 yrs after BD1 I really did not see myself still feeling this way.
job - thank you for the advice re h, he emailed me again today, just a short message, but kind and funny. More on that later. I know I need to focus on myself and build my own world up, I get frustrated at myself for not seemingly be able to completely dedicate my thoughts to doing it. I look back and see that over the last 4 years I have achieved a great deal, I have survived everything that I threw at myself and that has been thrown at me, I have gathered a few tools for my well traveled (haha) toolbox and yet here I am still feeling the same way. I know it takes time, there is no right way, wrong way yadda yadda yadda, yet I cannot seem to find peace and that effects my emotional state. I hope this makes sense, a lot of rambling!
OwnIt - thank you for your thoughts - I have no clue as to what,why, who and where, everything is a mystery to me. I suppose my life was controlled by my parents, then by my h's career, so having my own thoughts and desires in life wasn't even a consideration, you don't miss what you never had kind of thing. So to be then told to go, be free, find yourself and be happy, well its proving to be a big challenge for me. I thank you for being so kind, I don't consider myself having courage, I see it as aimlessly seeking answers! But thank you.
Coly23 - I have to say that travelling on your own in an incredible experience. You have total freedom to do whatever you want with no one else to please. People have spoken to me as I was on my own, that is something that doesn't happen when your with someone else, you tend to stay in your own group, and the biggest thing is getting yourself over challenges as you have no one else to bail you out, and that for me has been the biggest lesson, I no longer fear doing things and going places on my own ..... although I have yet to conquer the going out for dinner challenge, a cheeky fast food joint doesn't count!
So todays update -
An ex work colleague got in touch with me yesterday to tell me that if things dont work out in South please know I can have my job back. Was really nice to hear this, but its running away again and I left the area for various reasons and if I go back nothing will have changed, so while I have it as a Plan B I want to try and make a go of things here and stop for a while.
Then I got an email from the Supermarket offering me the lowest pay rate that I said I would accept and asking me to reconsider their offer. Its a no brainer really, if I treat it as a breathing space job it answers my immediate problem of cash flow and will give me time to gather myself. Maybe its just what I need while I am still feeling unsettled in myself. Will give me an easy job and get me in to a home and still in the area of s24. So I accepted the job this morning and the contracts are in the post, I hope to start next week. Stacking bread was not what I imagined doing, but then nor was cleaning vomit off the floor, which I found myself doing for my first job, its a job, its income and I am grateful for release of my current stress.
On to the email from H - was a short one, asking if I have a plan b if I cant get work and suggesting a location that I might have more luck in. He said that it is just as cold though and has more hills - which lead him in to his next bit. He then said "talking of hills, Happy Birthday for Friday, at the ridiculously advanced age of 48, you may not be able to do hills for much longer .....
It has been a long standing joke between us forever, he is 3 months younger than I am, so for 3 months of the year I got every old joke thrown at me until his Birthday. I would return it by saying things like - You are only as old as the woman you feel and I think its quite a compliment that I can bag a toy boy for myself.
It did make me smile, its very him and I admit to have an emotional twist in my stomach, the fact he acknowledged it this year (last year he didn't, first time ever} felt a little pang of both awwwww and hmmmmm sigh.
I have replied back, maybe not what I should have said and could be seen as playing a risky game, however, if he is ever going to see me as a friend then the ice has to be thawed somehow.
I wrote a reply about plan b and thanked him for his suggestion, then told him about the job offers I got yesterday. This was all a bit long and rambling, but its how I write and he would be used to it, probably read things in to me just writing one line! Then I said "Well Thank You kindly for the birthday greeting, you enjoy the next few months as I'm coming back at cha, counting the days Mr LouR, counting the days (smiley face)
