Job, thank you for taking so much time to fix my posts. You are the best! I will be sure not to use contractions; I think you said that before but I must have caught some of the MLC fog from the proximity of my H. : )
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
I just got a call from my son to come home because the ACS was at the house. I am under investigation for child abuse because of my son not attending school. My H spoke with the caseworker and she left. When am I going to get a break?!!!!
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Wow. I have read H emails a few times and I am still not entirely sure what he is trying to say, I am not sure he knows either. It is hard to read. I know it is written in english but those words do not usually get strung together like that.
Good for you giving him the spreadsheet. It was received about as well as expected, but he will probably study it a bit and it just may deflect some future questions.
And great on your revelation. You do not have to leave this summer. You do not need to jump when his says boo. You are not obligated to do anything he says. Do what Gerda wants.
Also a big barbecue would be awesome!
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Yikes, I put quotes the first time but then I pulled them out. Trying to figure out where there is a weird character that is causing it not to post. I will try one more way.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
DnJ et al, thank you again for checking into my thread. It is so important to me to see people checking in on me right now. Your words mean a lot, a lot!
I am so emotionally exhausted from the abuse investigation and everything else that I can't even summon the strength to write out what is happening but I had my usual confusion about how to not engage so I will post the latest exchange. I know that what I wrote back was too long and too engaging, so what I am wondering is how you all would revise what I wrote back so I can try to get clearer on how not to engage. I feel like there is a tiny shred of what my H says that is indicating he wants to actually fix finances in order to make his way back someday. I know his ideas are nuts but a part of me wanted to show that I was willing to attend a meeting he arranged, out of respect for him as a man, even though I think the whole thing is bunk and have no intention of agreeing to any debt consolidation schemes. So that is why I didn't feel I could just not answer. I get so tied in knots that I feel like I can't sit through my discomfort and then I am afraid to see him in the house if I haven't answered. I suppose I could just force myself to not answer except for the side of me that wants to show respect where I can. I know it would be much easier to navigate this stuff if he moved out; but that is not where God placed me for now, and I am not going to do anything to enable separation.
The part about my dad is because i called my father in a panic and asked him to ask H to leave me alone for a couple weeks.
Anyone who wants to take an editing pen to what I wrote and tell me how it would have looked if more detached, I would love to hear it. I have gone as dark as possible as far as not initiating any conversations via e-mail, text, in-person, I totally do my own thing, and most of the time I don't know where he is or what he is doing, but then he won't be silent on his end when he gets it into his head to start up or be around. I don't answer at least half of his e-mails.
Also he was right that I turned my face to look out the window at that moment during the meeting that he mentions. He is over 50 but was wearing a cropped t-shirt that showed his navel and had that MLC cool-guy weirdness vibe and was saying some very stupid things during an abuse visit that was only about me abusing my S, so I did turn to look out the window to get my face in order. But I fibbed about that below because in general I try to deflect the endless narcissism and blame.
He borrowed $80 from me last week and never gave it back. He even took money out of my daughter's wallet a few months ago and never gave it back; she was hysterically crying that someone stole her money til I figured it out. It was a low point for him but it did nothing to motivate him to start working. She kept asking him for the money, it was awful, so finally I gave her the money and told her to not ask him for it anymore, but only give it back to me if he ever did give it to her. These are tiny examples of the MLC money insanity as an intro to this note below, since it might sound like he has a reasonable idea about finances. His idea is basically to continue to earn nothing and contribute nothing but to somehow restructure what we earn on rentals so he can take more for himself. I am assuming the finance guy will quickly see how impossible that is, how deeply in debt we are, and how I am the only one contributing beyond the rentals, so if i can summon the courage, I would go to the meeting. I wish one of you could go with me!
H wrote:
Gerds, I understand - bcs your dad called me that you are panicked and can't get involved in a financial meeting. I am sorry you feel overwhelmed. The meeting is free on the basis of all debt and income documents he determines (while in the office) a new, more efficient path than the one in place, and only then after presenting us with a comparison between option A (the existing approach) and option B (a new approach) we make a choice, and I alone pay his fee that is, if we agree on following a new path. His specialty is renegotiating with ALL creditors and mortgage, credit cards, personal or business loans in ways that do not effect our individual credits and it is an omnidimensional but total overarching renegotiating process which terminates in what he said will be an overwhelming drop in financial stress and more financial freedom. If you don't wish to attend Friday, all need copies of all the last statements from all the creditors and all the documents that verify all upstate and downstate incomes and expenses, as well as last years tax returns. I empathize whatever their manifold sources with your feelings of stress, and I could understand why you would not wish to attend. I am asking now that you try to empathize with my oceanic (but eminently reversible) feelings of stress over the desecrate lack of BOTH financial mobility and domestic autonomy that it self-evidently takes to be able to find a gentle-spacious place both in ones heart, for the purpose of finding a gentle-spacious place in the hearts of my children.
They know their dad as a sad follower.
When with you I uttered a thing before a govt official yesterday in our living room you turned away into a corner and looked at a wall out of an utter sense of embarrassment for your husband and out of a deep hidden certainty that I have no claim to love or truth or insight. She watched you looking away.
H
Gerda wrote: When you asked me that, it shocked me. I was already in a state of unbearable stress, anxiety, fear, as I was preparing to be investigated for child abuse, a charge that could not only result in extreme difficulty for our children but an end to my career, trying to finish 16 reports for (one job), grade 50 papers for (another job), complete private school applications, prepare for next court appearance, and take care of everything I usually do with kids. I am at my physical and mental limit of what I can do in one week.
You do not ask me what you could do to help with any of the things I have to deal with alone. You are so unaware of any pain I might be feeling, you think my posture in a meeting about me is about you.
If you want me to attend a meeting, you would need to wait a week or two until I am able to do so. If you need a meeting this week, I prepared an extremely thorough document, you can use this with your personal advisor. I have already given you copies of statements from every single debt that we share, I have been leaving those for you or e-mailing them to you for the past two months since you told me of your intentions to leave.
Give me a break from demands for a couple weeks. That is all I wanted my father to tell you. I am ready to collapse. The only notes you should send are those that say, Don't worry, everything will be okay. You are a good mom. If you can't do that, let me face my troubles totally alone.
Last edited by job; 05/31/1801:02 AM.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
