Thanks arsh! Yeh, it's been a long road and I am way better than I imagined back in the day. Just put in the work for yourself and you'll come out at the end of the tunnel with a more stable and better you. If you get more inspiration and guidance from my journey, I am so happy to oblige. Keep on keeping! Hope your lil ones are good.
Thanks neffer! I am looking forward to reading your story.
Yes, I am unbelievably happy than I was for years. My parenting game is on a new level now and my children are just such a joy and I am loving every second with them.
Just a new initiative - I've always had a hard time waking up early, but I am going to start next week. I want to join the 5AM club. I planned out my daily schedule around that and looking forward to achieving my goals in bite sized chunks. I wrote out everything I want to do and am phasing it in over next six months, with priority items first. And then adding one thing every month and seeing how it goes. Man, there aren't enough hours in the day lol.
I am committing to the process and the outcomes will come.
Good update!!! As depressing as it was to get the BD from the XW having her tell me I was a terrible dad and that the kids most likely didn't want to be with me(script?) I refocused on my kids and lately they have been telling me they don't want to go to moms because she doesn't pay any attention to them! I am in such a good place with my kids.
Good luck on the 5am club! It's a struggle, I get to the gym at 5 on the days my kids are with me to spend more time with them after work. It's tough on me but worth it for them.
Need to work on my goals after reading your update! I feel like I'm off the tracks a bit with mine. Keep it up.
I hear you about more time with the kids. That's why I want to move to the 5AM club, so I can work out right away in the morning and have more quality time with them in the evening. I also realized that I am way more tired in the evening and I just didn't have it in me to workout after kids went to bed.
About the goals, Vanilla gave me some great pointers back in my previous thread. I basically made a list of all the goals I wanted to accomplish in life. And then I prioritized them and figured out which ones I wanted to tackle first. The other ones I decided to start phasing in after 3 months of being consistent with the first set of goals.
So for example, my main goals right now are consistent workout, consistent climbing, reading/writing and meeting my diet. I want to do that for 3 months, and then start adding more - the first one will be to start playing my instrument regularly. Once I phase that in with my other goals already consistently set, then I will give it one month with the new schedule. And then a month after that I will phase in the next goal.
This way I can adjust my schedule and see how it works and give it time to set. I know I can't do everything all at once, but this gives me a good timeline until end of 2018 where I want to be with my goals.
And then start planning for 2019.
I am trying to be systematic, but flexible and not overwhelm myself with everything. So, for example, one of my goals is to learn basic woodworking skills. I want to take a course and then maybe integrate that to something i do once every two weeks and take on a long term project. It's not urgent, so I can phase it in over time once the rest of my most important and immediate goals are set.
Also, making goals bite sized and committing to the process rather than the outcome. I know that the outcomes will come as long as I put in the process and then tweak things along the way.
A side effect of this is I feel so empowered as I can totally control the stuff that I want to achieve as I am putting it in a process that is not unreasonable.
It's always really helpful to read Benito's thread. I feel like sometimes I lose my way and my mind goes on autopilot. There's some really good 2x4s in there and explanations that really flesh out the nuances of the DBing approach, especially in relation to WAWs.
Reading his thread again, and I've read that thread so many times, made me self-reflect a little more today. Sometimes I forget to purposefully create those reflective spaces. I am very good at doing that to see how I am feeling and what I am doing with my kids, but I still need to be more purposeful with myself.
Reading his thread again this morning as I recommended it to another poster and also bumped it up for newbies to read, I realized that my anger is not at the level of slow burn that I want it to be. That my actions still have a strong tinge of anger behind it, which is not allowing me to be more free and mindful of my actions when it comes to W.
I see that my NC/dark and even the small interactions i have with her in person are propelled a little bit more by spite than detachment. I am sure that it probably shows.
So, I have work to do on my end still with the anger and with the ego. And living my life fully and trusting myself.
Reading his thread has given me more food for thought and achieving a genuine manifestation of my personality and putting my improvements and changes through good rigor for myself, not because I think that it will turn anything around. I know that I wasn't doing anything for her, but with my actions colored slightly with anger, i know that I still have to be more proactive about my healing and not just stay on autopilot.
So, I have more homework for myself, which is always good
Haha! Add me to that list as well. I am back to working on it diligently and with purpose. NC/dark needs to be not to show her what life can look without you, but what life should look for you with just you. Moving from a deficit and vindictive mentality to a strengthened positive outlook.
M - I think you know you have arrived when you can talk and interact with your W BAU with no emotions, no expectations, etc. just like you would interact with anyone that you come into contact with.
When I talk to my EW these days it is just normal BAU behavior. I respond to her texts, emails and I don't feel any pressure to wait like 3 hours or not respond at all if it is just informational. I might just say Thanks! but it isn't in some attempt to win her back. It's just normal convo.
