Your comments while greatly appreciated have thrown me into a morass of questioning everything. Up until now I was feeling confident in my path, the actions that I was taking, but now I do not know. I have read so many threads on here, and you are right that the madness and craziness and anger elsewhere I do not see in my situation.
Yes. It does but it helps refine your view.
Part of the reason that I thought MLC was because my W told me at one point post-BD that she "was not herself". She also told me that this was not about me, but about her.
Yes I believe her. Note if she were wayward I wouldn't believe a single word at all. She has been deeply depressed, her M is breaking up and it is about her. If she isn't depressed then clearly she isn't herself, she is a better one. My view would be very different if she was wayward.
She took on all the guilt for the breakup and never tried to put any on me. (I definitely took on my own share for sure!)
Yep.
But what you are telling me seems to a) shift more (not all) of the blame onto my shoulders
stop the blame for either of you. Depression is illness and you can't blame either of you for that. Detached loving compassion for you both. Drop the blame game.
and b) upsets my thoughts that this was a temporary phase that she would eventually snap out of. By considering this temporary madness,
This is WAW beginning to sort herself outo, take her [censored] back and grow up. Has she had IC because that may be a powerful cause, but you can want this. Suppose it wasnt crazy but exactly what should be happening. Suppose this was a good route forward for you both? Leading to two healthier peeps? Suppose you say so. This is called reframing, which is so powerful as a technique.
Not sure on a scale of 1 to 10 in the crazy loco stakes this behaviour of WAW merits a high score, perhaps a 3, 4 max. My own sitch was an 11 out of 10. And so is for example Orange. That's madness in action.
I could more readily believe the axiom not to believe anything she says and only 50% of what she does.
I don't think her actions count for a lot compared to most here she's logical. She has asked for what she needs, told you what she is doing, done it. You are aware of her plans. Just because you don't like them doesn't make her wayward or mad.
However, if it isn't that, then the most likely explanation to me seem like she really is just done with R. All of her actions indicate that. I have backed off pursuit entirely and there has been no change in her behavior or attitude towards me.
Yes she has done with the old R. But so I hope are you! At this stage you are looking for a new R with a super improved you. Showing her that a new improved R is possible not trying to guilt or manipulate her back. I split with some one I lived with after my H1 died, we had been together for 7 years. He tried to guilt me back, went NC and then raged. There was no going back after that.
Don't be a walk over either. It's a fine line to walk.
It makes me wonder if I should have handled the anguished email she sent me a few weeks ago in a different manner. Not responding to that for 5 days and then simply validating and moving on was brutally hard for me.
I am not going to evaluate past actions, serves no purpose. But it did say you were done too. She believed your action here. I would have too. That's why she looks after numero uno as she believes you are doing the same. That's what peeps do in D.
If it was really a temperature check, what does it mean that my lack of response did not elicit any reaction.
She isn't wayward it wasn't a temperature check. She was telling you how she felt not asking how you were. It didn't require a reaction from her.
Also, just for more context currently my W is living at home surrounded by all the memories of our life together, all of our pictures together, our dog, her garden. But when I get back from the trip she will move out and into an apartment. She made it clear the last time we met that she would not be staying in the house when I came back although that had been an option. I was thinking that perhaps having to leave all of that behind might help her realize what she was throwing away. But I also wondered if being surrounded by all the memories of us and the R was holding her back and continuing to oppress her. Now I do not know.
There is no answer to this. But if she feels guilty for being a walkaway then it's possible she will leave to give you space. It's a good sign as it says to me she can then have more control over returning.
Just my thoughts
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Fat lady hasn't sung yet. You can be honest if you don't want D and let her set the pace on filing. I assume you have L advice on it?
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
