Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Vanilla]

Vanilla, I cannot even tell you how happy I am to hear from you. In terms of the old R being over, I told her that a month ago. That aint ever coming back. I know that very well.

In regards to waywardness I do not know what to think. Maia and Cadet and all the Sandi threads were causing me to look back at all of her actions and words, looking for signs of it.

It's good to have Intel. If you have looked hard and not found it then it's unlikely to be there.


I am still relatively convinced this is a premature MLC as she obsessed about getting older and could not handle being in her 30s.

Warning I don't believe in MLC! There is entitled behaviour with waywardness and party lifestyle or there isn't. There is also depression but this doesn't sound like that.

She has definitely reverted to some teenage behaviors in terms of working out and being obsessed with her social life.

In which case every single, divorced or separated person I know is a teenager. Working out is becoming a better version of self and if one has walked from an M then of course establishing a social life is priority, it's called GAL.

She definitely chafed at my neediness and the little control I exerted over her.

No one, no one has the right to control another. That can only be done against another's free will. This is likely the reason she wants out. Frankly learn from it, it's abusive and in the longer term won't work.

Her rebellion was limited to things like staying out on Saturday afternoons w. Friends and not making back in time for our unspoken but traditional Saturday night dinner out. She also did on 4-5 ocasions come home at 2 or 3 am from a party at friends (I know it was not an A).

This is the start of wayward behaviour I think. The odd night out isn't but late mornings arrivals usually are. It depends where. I used to visit bestie and stay out all night, but it was me bestie and a bottle of Prosecco. I stayed over.

When I called her out on this behavior she was a little defensive but recognized that it was not cool to me.

This isn't good, you aren't her dad. Instead set your reasonable boundary and your consequences.

We even joked about how little possessiveness or control I tried to exert over her, it was one of the the things that attracted her to me.

This isn't cool at all. To even try iS damaging.


I do think my growing neediness dye to depression and abandonment anxiety put a big burden on her.

Depression is a toughie, this is for you to get medical help and IC. What are you doing about this?

And when we M in sickness and health! If it's not a commitment she wanted then she wouldn't M you.

Her heart never fully hardened to me. She was always conflicted between her love and these new desires. In a way I think she began to think of me like her father, who she is very close to, but whom she rebelled against as a teen.

There is so much poor thinking in this. Generalising, mind reading, black thinking and probably misinterpreting. And by behaving in the ways you have above then I would expect her to view you as her dad! Not sexy....

V, I would love to hear your thoughts on that.

You have my unvarnished thoughts. I may suggest you want to look at thinking skills and errors in thought processes. Consider also judgement as a thinking fault too. These are soft skills that you can acquire to identify faulty controlling thinking. And awareness of it is part of the key. You might think of CBT too and the tools involved. There is a marvellous free website get.GG which is a charity and packed full of free stuff.

Regardless, I am going to continue on the path of DB, GAL, 180s, and NC. She is on her journey and I am on mine. I feel like I am already a 100 percent better person than I was in the months before BD.

That's excellent news. What are your current goals?

This snapped me out of the stupor of depression and lighted me a new path. Day by day I am growing stronger, more mindful, more in control of my emotions, more assertive.

I love this very much. How are you getting on with boundary setting?

I like the new me a helluva lot better than the old version. And ultimately my opinion is what matters most.

Absolutely it is.

V