Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Maika]

Also, it will only look like pursuit if you carry yourself that way when you see her.

When you see her, be upbeat and positive and say hi, and that you're taking a class. And then end the convo and go do your thing. And then leave when you're done for the day. If she comes up to you to say bye then reciprocate and leave.

[Davide]

That is hardly a 2x4. I get your point. I wouldn't stop by the house unexpected and was looking at this in the same way. But I get what you are saying.

[Maika]

Also, alternating between good and bad days is normal. That will happen for a while until the good days outweigh the bad ones. It's good to be strong, but if you're having a bad day, allow yourself to break down if it's coming and process it rather than holding it back.

Sometimes I've seen people are being strong and doing DBing well and just holding their $hit together - this is really good but you also need to give yourself space to go ape$hit bananas in a private space. I did that. I had a breakdown a month ago that was bad, and it was because I was so concerned with holding the fort down, that i just put my own self-care aside. Since that breakdown, I am doing way better emotionally. Give yourself the gift of time and space and being completely emotional.

[Davide]

Thanks. When I broke down last week upon receiving the ex-students letter I think that that was in large part a release for me. I am being strong here and not allowing myself to wallow in cheeseless tunnels, so when I had the opportunity to release emotion for something else it came rushing out in torrents. I know there are ups and downs, it is just a process of managing the downs and surviving them.

Hey, Maika, do you have thoughts on the fundraising party I mentioned earlier. My sense is that you would say to go and enjoy and live my life as if she weren't around. I just worry because she is one of the hosts so to an extent it is an invasion of her space. Also I don't know if I can be as cool calm and collected as I want to be in that context, watching her dance and have a good time without me.

[Maika]

Nah, skip the fundraising party. You're not actually going to be able to be chill and cool and enjoy it. Why put yourself in an emotionally difficult situation? I wouldn't go, not for any other reason but it would be emotionally stressful. If you were a year out from BD, my response would be different, but because thing are still so raw, just don't add salt to open wounds

[Vanilla]

Not all walkaways are created equal, some leave because of abuse, others because the R isn't working for them and yet others because they are neglected.

Don't treat W as if she were wayward, the majority of walkaways don't enter into new R for at least 18 months after S. And it is my view that once there is S, the walkaway considers themselves free to seek a new R and that the LBS can too. I suspect there is no A or EA at this stage that doesn't mean in due course there won't be a bf.

So as long as you have accepted the old R and M is finished and that new Davide is looking for a new R with W or otherwise. The old one is over.

I believe in being friendly, note that isn't being a friend! There is a difference. Don't slam the door, answer questions with BIFF techniques, no venom or anger. Display the new you, more in sorrow than anger. And know that for shift (not change, change is reversible) then it takes time lots of it. Perhaps years before W sees that.

In my view there is a sweet spot where the WAW considers if reconnection is possible, if that's rejected or appears to be then they shrug and move on.

This does not happen if there has been abuse (my own sitch), once out there is no going back. And waywardism is different too, the WW has to be atoning. And as an LBS never take back an abuser who physically abuses.

None of the previous paragraph appears to be your sitch, it is Classic DB as described in DR.

It is always the LBS who says done as you become a man only a fool would leave then you shift. Shift means you can develop until you know that the old R no longer fits you.

Be friendly neighbour and keep the path home.

The lighthouse and picnic strategy is great in the long haul for you.

My thoughts

V

[Ste7e]

V can you talk more about the sweetspot with WAWs

[Davide]

Vanilla, I cannot even tell you how happy I am to hear from you. In terms of the old R being over, I told her that a month ago. That aint ever coming back. I know that very well.

In regards to waywardness I do not know what to think. Maia and Cadet and all the Sandi threads were causing me to look back at all of her actions and words, looking for signs of it. I am still relatively convinced this is a premature MLC as she obsessed about getting older and could not handle being in her 30s. She has definitely reverted to some teenage behaviors in terms of working out and being obsessed with her social life. She definitely chafed at my neediness and the little control I exerted over her. Her rebellion was limited to things like staying out on Saturday afternoons w. Friends and not making back in time for our unspoken but traditional Saturday night dinner out. She also did on 4-5 ocasions come home at 2 or 3 am from a party at friends (I know it was not an A). When I called her out on this behavior she was a little defensive but recognized that it was not cool to me. We even joked about how little possessiveness or control I tried to exert over her, it was one of the the things that attracted her to me. I do think my growing neediness dye to depression and abandonment anxiety put a big burden on her. Her heart never fully hardened to me. She was always conflicted between her love and these new desires. In a way I think she began to think of me like her father, who she is very close to, but whom she rebelled against as a teen.

V, I would love to hear your thoughts on that.

Regardless, I am going to continue on the path of DB, GAL, 180s, and NC. She is on her journey and I am on mine. I feel like I am already a 100 percent better person than I was in the months before BD. This snapped me out of the stupor of depression and lighted me a new path. Day by day I am growing stronger, more mindful, more in control of my emotions, more assertive. I like the new me a helluva lot better than the old version. And ultimately my opinion is what matters most.

[Vanilla]

Vanilla, I cannot even tell you how happy I am to hear from you. In terms of the old R being over, I told her that a month ago. That aint ever coming back. I know that very well.

In regards to waywardness I do not know what to think. Maia and Cadet and all the Sandi threads were causing me to look back at all of her actions and words, looking for signs of it.

It's good to have Intel. If you have looked hard and not found it then it's unlikely to be there.


I am still relatively convinced this is a premature MLC as she obsessed about getting older and could not handle being in her 30s.

Warning I don't believe in MLC! There is entitled behaviour with waywardness and party lifestyle or there isn't. There is also depression but this doesn't sound like that.

She has definitely reverted to some teenage behaviors in terms of working out and being obsessed with her social life.

In which case every single, divorced or separated person I know is a teenager. Working out is becoming a better version of self and if one has walked from an M then of course establishing a social life is priority, it's called GAL.

She definitely chafed at my neediness and the little control I exerted over her.

No one, no one has the right to control another. That can only be done against another's free will. This is likely the reason she wants out. Frankly learn from it, it's abusive and in the longer term won't work.

Her rebellion was limited to things like staying out on Saturday afternoons w. Friends and not making back in time for our unspoken but traditional Saturday night dinner out. She also did on 4-5 ocasions come home at 2 or 3 am from a party at friends (I know it was not an A).

This is the start of wayward behaviour I think. The odd night out isn't but late mornings arrivals usually are. It depends where. I used to visit bestie and stay out all night, but it was me bestie and a bottle of Prosecco. I stayed over.

When I called her out on this behavior she was a little defensive but recognized that it was not cool to me.

This isn't good, you aren't her dad. Instead set your reasonable boundary and your consequences.

We even joked about how little possessiveness or control I tried to exert over her, it was one of the the things that attracted her to me.

This isn't cool at all. To even try iS damaging.


I do think my growing neediness dye to depression and abandonment anxiety put a big burden on her.

Depression is a toughie, this is for you to get medical help and IC. What are you doing about this?

And when we M in sickness and health! If it's not a commitment she wanted then she wouldn't M you.

Her heart never fully hardened to me. She was always conflicted between her love and these new desires. In a way I think she began to think of me like her father, who she is very close to, but whom she rebelled against as a teen.

There is so much poor thinking in this. Generalising, mind reading, black thinking and probably misinterpreting. And by behaving in the ways you have above then I would expect her to view you as her dad! Not sexy....

V, I would love to hear your thoughts on that.

You have my unvarnished thoughts. I may suggest you want to look at thinking skills and errors in thought processes. Consider also judgement as a thinking fault too. These are soft skills that you can acquire to identify faulty controlling thinking. And awareness of it is part of the key. You might think of CBT too and the tools involved. There is a marvellous free website get.GG which is a charity and packed full of free stuff.

Regardless, I am going to continue on the path of DB, GAL, 180s, and NC. She is on her journey and I am on mine. I feel like I am already a 100 percent better person than I was in the months before BD.

That's excellent news. What are your current goals?

This snapped me out of the stupor of depression and lighted me a new path. Day by day I am growing stronger, more mindful, more in control of my emotions, more assertive.

I love this very much. How are you getting on with boundary setting?

I like the new me a helluva lot better than the old version. And ultimately my opinion is what matters most.

Absolutely it is.

V

[Vanilla]

V can you talk more about the sweetspot with WAWs

This does not apply to waywards and isn't relevant for you Ste7e in my view.

V