Wild ride and now trapped in the Bermuda Triangle

[dmoy]

Well the last few weeks have been meh. W is up to her usual. I'm trying to find ways to improve myself and remove my own focus from her. Been working on empathy and validation but it doesn't work as well over text, obviously. Limited IRL interactions long enough to hold any type of convo. I'm between a rock and a hard place because she's given me the playbook-- didn't appreciate her or validate her, but then little chance to try and do that now. (I read a book called "I Hear You" which was very good. I'll drop more details about that in the validation thread for everyone's benefit.)

The local race we were going to go to, when I asked her about that the other week she had made plans to take the kids to her mom's and cut me out of the loop. When I asked she said she "forgot" and it was "last minute" which with everything else just felt like an excuse for her not admitting she didn't want me there.

Other times she's pushed her way in and hung out when it benefits her. I've started pushing back a bit. It's hard to do because she uses the kids. I'd do anything for them and it's hard to tell if it's intentional or not. I don't want to seem like an a-hole for refusing when I'm available and I also love spending every minute of time I get with them. She's also repeatedly texted me old photos of me and the kids and sometimes our dog that I had to put down back in March.

In conversation about 3 weeks ago we were talking about the dentist again and she again mentioned something to the effect of putting me on her dental insurance starting in July, which makes no logical sense since that's about the same time she'd be eligible to file for D given the 1 year separation mark.

More recently, the other day at drop-off the kids were nagging her again about getting back together and why she wouldn't do it. She brushed them off with "it's adult stuff." I just kept my mouth shut and didn't encourage the girls as to not put any more stress on her.

Also of interesting note was that she unfriended my mom and sister on FB back around Jan-Feb and hasn't talked to my mom since. Out of the blue she texted my mom to wish her a happy birthday the about a week ago.

Lots of conflicting stuff. Trying not to think too much about it. Just feels like she's saying one thing and doing another. It'll be interesting to see what happens in July once she can file for D if she wants. We've never discussed it. Feels like maybe she's not ready but has pressure from friends/family.

As far as me, I've been working on getting out more, and want to start working out and shed about 30 pounds. Figure if I'm more attractive that'll be better. At least for me. Unfortunately I got sick about 3 weeks ago and it's taken it's toll on being able to exercise.

I'm a bit stressed with work, they're having payroll issues again. Obviously looking for another job just in case. I haven't told W yet since last time she used it as an excuse to go to the state and file for court-ordered child support. With the laws in this state, eviction is also swift so I'm already in a bit of a bind. If I lose my apartment I'm not quite sure what I'll do. It won't be good for the kids, I know that much. I want to be honest but it feels like it comes back to bite me every time. So does hiding it. Not really sure what to do there. Every time I'm in a bind it seems to give her pleasure seeing me hurt, regardless of the effect it may have on the kids.

Any words of wisdom/encouragement are always appreciated.