Moving past the WAW-MCL to a stronger me

[Davide]

Once again, I seem to be alternating good days with bad days. Alcohol is not good for me at all either. I had a great day yesterday GALing throughout - yoga, then 2 hours rock climbing and then out with friends for the evening. Unfortunately, it was at a brewery and then a bonfire and it was hard to say no to a couple of beers. Literally, just three beers, but that was enough to throw off my sleep and leave me in a tizzy today.

I went back and looked at emails and text messages from the W, just a month before BD, expressing love and heart emojis and the like. I know that it is a cheeseless tunnel trying to get into her head. I can't get in there. It isn't logical or rational anyway. But how hard on myself should I be for falling into this trap? I am just 6 weeks post BD, 6 weeks post separation. Should I be cutting myself some slack for normal lapses into nostalgia for what the R was?

Right now, I am sitting in our house (where she lives currently, since I left) and she has left for the day, leaving the car and taking the bike, and I can't help but wonder who she is with. It makes me question my certainty that she is not in an EA. Basically it is fruitless attempts to get inside her head. I have been strong thus far. I have followed all Sandi's rules to a T, I have been working on myself to become a better man, to understand my neuroses, to fix what has been ailing me. I have turned my energy to exercise, to positive affirmations. I have gone full NC over the last month, I have done 180s. I have made my social life a priority and GALed as much as I can. But it is hard, and I feel alone and scared. This is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, and I lost a younger brother to a 3 year battle with cancer when I was 16. I know I am falling into self pity. I won't show her this, but it is real and I need to express it.

My W has continued to be super pleasant and gracious with me when we communicate about logistical stuff via text. There is no hostility at all. But nor is there any pursuit. She clearly still thinks that she can fill the void in her life with new activities, new friends, maybe an EA. (I have no evidence, nothing suspicious, nothing to base it on other than my paranoid brain).

On Tuesday I am doing a training course at the rock-climbing gym. It is at a time that she is always there on Tuesdays. I am thinking that I should send her a text just to tell her that I am doing it and will be there. Nothing more. Just a heads-up so as not to surprise her, or make it look like pursuit. Thoughts?

Also next Saturday there is a big party that friends are throwing to raise money for a cause. The people that are throwing it are my main social group, but they are also friends of the W, and she is one of the hosts. I would love to go to this party, but I think she might see it as pursuit, rather than me GALing. I also know that if I skip it, I will have nobody to hang out with, nobody to distract me and I will fixate on it. Any ideas there?

Finally, if any of the WAWs or WWs like Artista, Vanilla, or Sandy could chime in with some words of wisdom I would be super appreciative. I feel like I am doing everything right but days like today are tough and cause me to question the point of all this.