I am not sure what happened to my last post? Waaaay too long maybe !!
Hello Everyone, its been a long time since I last updated, I should have dropped in sooner and reached out to my dear friends here, but I have been struggling and sunk so low that I have become insular and withdrawn from everyone. But I am here now and that is a good start.
My trip encountered challenge after challenge, the weather was not on my side and my enthusiasm and bank balance took a hit, so I gave in about 4 weeks ago and after staying with s21 for a few days I headed to S24, pleased to have a roof over my head and a hot shower.
When I first arrived I went on lots of day trips and explored the area, I can see why s24 said I would love it here, its really me and I would love to settle here, however the universe appears to not agree. The town I am living in is very small and after 4 weeks I have had no joy with employment and with limited business here I am not confident this situation will change anytime soon. This means my allowance for this period is running out rapidly and even with some frugality I will be hitting my limited savings very soon. On top of that I have had a lot of time to myself and whilst I know that I will most likely look back and be thankful of this time, right now, allowing myself to feel everything that life has thrown at me has caused me so enormous highs (how far I have come, how much I have grown in strength and mind) and extreme lows (how much I have lost, complete heartbroken over h, my situation now), most of the time its all in one day and quite honestly I am emotional drained and don't feel I can take any more hits.
I can see now that all I have been doing is running away and hoping that someone, anyone, will save me, will stop this pain and remove me from this horrible life that I have somehow ended up in. I held on to the fantasy that h would return again, after all, we are still married and he has done it once before, I kept that thought alive, that maybe he was feeling the same again but did not know how to come back or that if he even should, so if I gave him the excuse, permission, then all would be fine in the world again. Then there is the boys, I was so happy to think they wanted me living near them, my role has always been a mum and to be given that chance back, it felt familiar and safe, however it does not make it right. Both the boys are living their own lives, dealing with the ups and downs that come along and I am very proud that they have both become independent young men, but after staying with them I can see that I would still be as much their mum on the end of a phone as I am in person and this move was more for me than them.
Ah, but pushing everything down deep eventually comes back up, and that is what has happened along my latest adventure. S tells me that h does ask after me but feels its more conversation chit chat than actual interest. H also sent messages through s21 for me when I was staying with him, which was hard for me to know that despite me being just down the road he could not face me or even send me a text asking himself. I sunk really low at this point. S21 also said his dad asked him how i felt about him these days as he is not sure if he should go to the wedding, he does not want to cause upset. I told s21 that if his dad asks him again then please say "ask mum" as I dont feel its acceptable that he is putting either of our s in the middle. He has my email and my phone number, if he wants to know what I am thinking or feeling then the only person who knows the answer to that is me. He did say his dad has gone back to being a bit moochy but is loving his job and has good friends and seems happy enough.
Anyway, then s24 told me yesterday that h is coming down to visit next weekend but because I am staying with him (in the sleepout attached to the garage not in the house) he wont come to the house so is staying with friends 1hr away and wants s24 to go visit him there. I am once again upset, I am that repulsive to him, is the thought of being in the same place with me so awful that he is doing everything he can to avoid it? Another sinking moment.
I look back and try to recall a day when I have not cried, when I have not felt lost and sad, I just cant remember. When he came back, that is the last time I felt alive and happy.
So now I have cried and sobbed and seen that all I was doing is hiding and running and looking for a saviour, after I have sat at the bottom of the hole (well I hope it was the bottom as I dont think I can take anymore) and thrown myself the pity party of the year, I am looking up and know that I need to do something proactive before I end up with no energy left to pick myself up and move again. So what do I do now? I feel stuck in a bad situation, but I know there is an answer, doing nothing is not an option. It is unlikely I will find a job here, a least one that will cover rent, power and some food, nevermind anything else,plus there are not many rentals here so I would have to look outside the town which means gas for the car to travel to work. However much I love it, i don't think staying is an option. However I have made so many doozey decisions I am second guessing myself, plus with dwindling finances I cannot afford to make any more wrong moves.
What is done is done, I cant change any of it, so now need to find a way out of this and help myself get back on track again.
For those of you who have battled through to the end I thank you, you are my rocks and I right now I am clinging on.
