The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[sandi2]

Recognizing your mistakes is great progress, IMHO. It means that, hopefully, you won't repeat these actions. Frankly, I am pretty excited that you are getting better vision.

I suggest you try really hard to not think of her as your W, or see yourself as her dutiful H. It will help keep you more balanced and grounded. She said she wanted a separation, so allow her to experience it. To tell you the truth, I could see how she would feel your presence and constantly wanting to help her as pressure. So, actually, you have been hurting yourself by being so handy.

I also havent initiated any contact or requested any meet, I thought the fact that she had offered every meet meant that it still counted as doing the right thing and was still Dbing.

She is wayward, so almost everything she initiates, suggests, or offers has an ulterior motive. A wayward is motivated by her self-centered thoughts. I suggest that you silently question whenever she offers a meet......or anything else. Even if you can't see what she could possibly gain from it....I promise there is something in it for her or you'd never hear from her.

Ive been terrified of pulling back for all the classic reasons and therefore havent given her a chance to see how separation really looks. I feel I am finally starting to do this now, but it will be so hard to refuse offers of family meals / family time with all 4 of us. I will do my best to remember the long-term goal taking precedent over the short-term unpleasantness, and see if that gives me enough to refuse these invitations.

Being honest with ourselves and facing our fears is a big step. It's okay to be afraid. Just don't allow the fear to paralyze your actions. Might I suggest you set a few goals to challenge yourself. This coming week, see how many times you can turn down her offers to stay for meals. Deal?

Let me share something I've learned. I discovered that in order to have stronger faith, we must have trials and temptations. Without them, there would be no need to apply faith. The same thing is true in other areas. We will never know our true strength until we are required to use it. It's like muscles. If we never exercise our muscles, we lose them.

Start with a few steps in the right direction......like turning down the meals. Stop offering to help her. Don't make suggestions, as if you were still living together (like your response when she said she needed to get groceries). Do your very best with these this coming week.

I am really relieved to see that you are willing to stop spending so much time at her place, and that the kids should spend more time with you. Yes, it is hard for the H to deny "family" activities, but she will never experience true separation if you don't stop playing family while she is acting out her rebellion. Make your family events just for you and the kids. Remember, she wanted to tear it apart, so let her have a glimpse of how it would look.

You will still get to be with your children. Make their visits exciting and special. They will love going to your house, especially if they feel it's their place, too.

Again, I commend you for being so open and honest. ((hugs))