One question I do have now is that although my W was very cold in regards to intimacy. I always felt rejected and unloved. It seemed as if she was not into it but what she constantly did was read Nora Roberts romance novels. After picking up a book and reading a couple pages it seems like soft porn.
I use to read those type of books all the time. It was a substitute for the lack of intimacy in my MR. What happens is, the woman's imagination places her in the story. She becomes the female character in the novel, and she feels whatever the author describes the fictional character as having. When she finishes reading the book, then she continues to fantasize about the male character. Same thing as watching a movie and fantasizing about the actor. Only, I believe it more extensive than just a passing sexual fantasy. It is developing a story line between the fictional character that continues on a daily basis, or until another one takes its place. It's all imaginary, and nobody is the wiser, but it begins affecting the woman's feelings for her H. This is what is called imaginary affairs.
When a W does not get her emotional needs met, she is left vulnerable. She feels an emotional void. Anyway, she starts reading love stories, b/c she craves romance. Book after book, she reads about these fictional male characters. She may have started with fairly innocent type of romantic stories, but her need for more sexually explicit scenes intensify.......b/c it is filling a void in her. She may not realize it, but she's only making things worse.
I doubt many H's would give it a second thought.....or may even laugh it off, if they were told their W was having an IA. However, the seriousness is in how it affects her emotionally and carries over into her reality. It's how it works in losing her attraction and respect for her H.
Whether or not she intentionally compares her H to the book's male character, her mind is pointing out how the H falls short. That, alone, can cause loss of admiration and respect for him. She craves for this romance she is reading about in these books. Not many H's can compare to the male character in a novel. I wonder if it would be comparable to how some men expect their W's to sexually act the way they see actresses perform in sex scenes. It's just not the same in reality.
When the woman becomes addictted to these romantic novels, it also sets up a format in her soul for having an EA/PA in the future. In other words, her craving becomes greater, which leaves her more vulnerable.
I don't think I have heard of men reading romance novels and having an IA. Maybe it's just not as common as with women, IDK. Again, I believe it has a lot to do with how we are wired. I have waited in doctors' offices many times, and I have never seen a man reading a paperback romance novel.....but there is usually a woman engrossed in one.
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Why could she not transfer her desires to me?
Some H's may be okay with his W using him for sex, while desiring another guy in her mind. But I think you are asking why she couldn't transfer her "feelings" to you. I am not qualified to give you a satisfactory answer. I'll just tell you that women are not wired the same as men. We don't think categorically like men. We can't separate our feelings, like men, or transfer our desires from one man to another. We desire one man at a time.
I'm not saying she couldn't get turned on by watching porn and then want to have sex with her H. That is more like physical gratification. A woman's "desire" goes deeper and is more complexed. A woman has a main object (man) of her emotional desire. She might have sex with her H, while she fantasizes about her main object of emotional desire (OM).....but that doesn't mean she has transferred her feelings of desire....IMHO. She is simply using her H's body as a substitute for the one she really wants.
Some may disagree, but I believe a woman is wired to love/desire one man at a time. If her desire is not her H, it will begin to show in the marital bed. She may submit to having sex with him, but she avoids open mouth and/or tongue kisses. He eventually notices she just doesn't seem as interested......maybe wants to hurry and get it over. Then, she begins avoiding sex altogether. To discourage her H from initiating sex, she will often give off cold signals, give excuses, etc. It eventually leads to a SSM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
