Afraid of the dark PART 3

[Ste7e]

OK feeling a little more level headed today.
I headed out of town yesterday and only got half way to my destination before I just had a total emotional breakdown. I pulled over and cried it out for about an hour.
I then decided to head back home as heading out of town was just me fleeing my own reality and the need to face it. Ended having some good phone conversations with friends and going to a meeting, was in bed asleep by 10 reread alot of DR and actually highlighted a bunch of points for myself and got a good nights sleep.

Funny what a difference a day makes.

OK so with some reflection on what happened on Thursday.
So in retrospect I think I had done a phenomenal job on the in person stuff. If I can keep that up in the future it will be good for me. Really wish I had the knowledge or fortitude to have ridden that out. I am still feeling really stupid about the phone call later it was a complete and total misstep on my part and the approach of confronting W about emotions and R is not successful. I pretty much broke everyone of Sandi's rules and I will stop that immediately. I know everything says not to do it, really wish I would have taken note and followed that advice. The phone call yesterday was just really damage control on the phone call the night before. I do not regret that phone call as I did gain some actual insight as to what W is feeling. I mean I wish I hadn't made either phone call but the second was necessitated by the first.

What I did also learn from these experiences is that I am seriously triggered by D talk it disrupts my ability to Detach. What happens is that it blindsides me everytime and triggers my anxiety problems. According to my IC I am no longer actively depressed but my anxiety is still running in the background. When this anxiety is triggered I scramble to not have a panic attack essentially and am unable to handle conflict. This was actually a thing running through the OR where at first I would shut down in conflict and immediately say I just say I wanted to break up which would stop the conflict everytime. Later as the anxiety got worse I would become very manic and controlling in conflict. Apparently all this behavior was a defense mechanism to keep me from having a rising panic attack. This is all stuff I am just beginning to work on in Counseling.

I am thinking at some point emailing W and ask her if she wants to talk about D logistics to either not do it in person or to let me know ahead of time what we are dealing with so that I can be prepared emotionally to be detached in the process. In addition, per the phone call yesterday I will ask if W wants to hang out or catch up we do that at a different time of dealing with D logistics. My detachment and ability to listen, validate and not discuss R is ok so long as we don't end up talking D with me unprepared. If W brings up D stuff unexpectedly I will simply respond with that we should do that another time so that I can respond in a meaningful way. What do you think of this plan?

Where I am at today is in the beginning stages of acceptance to the reality of the situation. I obviously want Rec. and mor ethan just friendship but I know that it is beyond my control and that anything I do try and manipulate that is not healthy for anyone. That said I found that over the previous 16 days of NC I did eventually start to really feel better and was getting to be really productive for myself. So I know that going dark is a good strategy for ME.

LH I really appreciate your advice and responses I re read my entire thread before posting today and with a little clarity I can hear the advice I was deaf to yesterday. The job front thing has been really difficult for me as I have alot of negative associations with it and is a core issue in my life. I am seriously considering take my friend up on his job offer out of town as it is in a field I want to get into. I am able to leave the house for a couple months no problem but W has left the cats here and I can not take them. She is wanting to take one of the cats anyway but says she is not able to take both though she would like to. I have no idea what to do about the other cat if I go? Should I just tell W to take care of it at my house while I am gone?