Im having week without kids and just wanted to journal of some feelings I am going through in this phase of my journey.
I have been very active with GALing lately but today I had zero plans since my friend who was supposed to visit me cancelled and I intentionally kept the calendar empty to be alone with my thoughts to see how that feels. I am kinda tourist in my own town, going to beaches and having coffees all by myself. Exiting in a way yes, but I also get very sentimental. I see all these couples and families who are spending great summer day together and I realize it is first time in 15 years, when I do not have my wife by my side. We were always very active during summer, having fun plans and going to different places. It feels surreal that this summer it is only me, not us.
I find myself thinking that will I ever find a woman that I love like I loved my wife and who also loves me back. With who I can share all these beautiful moments with.
I feel also very lonely. As many of us, I neglected my friendships during marriage to be able to spend more time with a family. I have done a lot to rekindle these friendships and be open to find new ones, but still days like this feel lonely. It does not help that I have distanced myself from very controlling and intolerant religious movement where I grew up and basically lost all my contacts outside the cult except for my two closest friends who also are mentally out from movement. Luckily I have some friends outside that religion as well, but maybe 90% of my social contacts vanished when I stopped attending cult activities.
Nevertheless, I feel that I am doing a bit better in my healing process from BD and WWs affair. I am on the level where I do not anymore believe that I can save our relationship by any means. Naturally I still work a lot to be a man that only fool would leave. Sure it still hurts that my wife seems to be that fool. In time I hope that the pain will further reduce and I could achieve confidence that someday I will love and be loved again.
