[HelenaJ]

This year is a big one for my kids, D7 goes to summer camp for the first time, S17 turns 18 and moves into his senior year and has to decide on a college, D15 turns sweet 16 in January, then S17 will be graduating and I'll be busy planning a graduation party. S17 is very focused on his track and is trying very hard to get a scholarship to a D1 school...he received an interest letter from the Naval Academy and is very excited about that and has pursued that with a preliminary application.
I keep telling myself that after he leaves for college, I'm going to have to make a decision. Otherwise my life will simply be spent in a state of indecision which would be really sad when I look back on it someday.
So, I need to make the most of this time. First I need to know my goal....I was reading on another thread about defining success. Like if you reconcile but go back to the same crappy ways, is that really a success? I used to think it was for my situation at least. But I've changed a lot since my Dad passed away...or maybe I'm just getting older. I have less patience for the BS. So I've really started to think more about what I want out of my M, or what I *don't* want actually and that sort of defines what I want if that makes sense.
1) Stop allowing myself to be beat up over past mistakes. This has obviously been my biggest struggle and continues to be. However, no matter how long I live in a state of remorse, I cannot change the past. We've got to move forward.
2) Figure out who I am apart from my H. We've been together since I was 17...I feel like I'm just an extension of him. I'm really non-opinionated and he's extremely opinionated so much of our lives is based around his opinions and his timing.
3) Define success. We can pretend like nobody's business. Our family can come across great, we could even go back to how things were..."functioning" as a couple. I mean, that's what H wants. He wants to go back to how things were but he is reserving the right to withhold whatever he chooses to withhold due to the fact that I have betrayed him over and over and therefore he will never give me his heart or be that "all in" husband. And that's pretty vague so he gets to define that however he wants in the moment. I need some help here. What does my success look like you guys???