The bomb woke me up, but she won't talk

[lusa]

Thank you for your input Sandi,

My W is resenting me doing anything for her ATM and is definitely asserting her independence.

I went back home and I saw her through the window on the phone crying when I pulled up on the drive, I checked her phone later and saw shed be talking to her best GF. I was booked in for a guitar lesson there (which she had facilitated). I noticed that since yesterday, she had sat in the kitchen working all day with the trash bagged up in the room, which has never happened before. It was still waiting for me to take it out like I had been dutifully doing for the last few months.

I again asked her if she wanted me to bring the trash bins from the front of the house, and she again replied with the words i dont mind, so i left them. This is obviously her testing as it is the first time I have stopped doing things like this and id already brought up the fact that this is a disrespectful answer when im asking if she wants help. I now know that I made a mistake by asking.

Mistake number 2: When she said she had to go to buy food for the house, I said I could have brought it if she asked me.

Mistake number 3: When I saw the pool was still up on the lawn, without being asked, I said I would take it down so it doesnt kill the grass.

Mistake number 4: I am picking S13 up tomorrow to bring him to stay overnight with me. When I asked what time to get him and W said they had plans together in the morning, I said fine and almost flounced off, pouting, so much S13 mentioned it. Very immature and obviously indicative of desperately expecting my W to want family time together, and sulking when she doesnt.

This isnt detaching, this is still being a scared little lap dog, whos terrified she wont change her mind and theyll be no R followed by a big D.

After reading hundreds of posts this week, especially yours Sandi, I have come to realise that as we are separated (at her request) I shouldnt be doing any housework for her and by doing these things I am actually making my situation worse and pushing her further away. This is the real reason I have stopped these things, I actually quite like these jobs.

Thank you for pointing out that I havent really separated from her and that I have been using the kids as an excuse to go to her house, you are right, this is true. I also havent initiated any contact or requested any meet, I thought the fact that she had offered every meet meant that it still counted as doing the right thing and was still Dbing.

Ive been terrified of pulling back for all the classic reasons and therefore havent given her a chance to see how separation really looks. I feel I am finally starting to do this now, but it will be so hard to refuse offers of family meals / family time with all 4 of us. I will do my best to remember the long-term goal taking precedent over the short-term unpleasantness, and see if that gives me enough to refuse these invitations.

Sometimes I prepare the meals, sometimes she does, sometimes I take over the prep as shes finishing her blogging work in the kitchen. Mostly she prepares it for me and the kids or all of us though.

Regarding GAL, tonight I have been playing guitar with a friend, but this is nothing new, we have done it nearly every Friday night for 4 years. I dont currently do anything else GAL wise. I am thinking of joining my local Judo club, which is a sport I did as a kid.

I know a female friend would simultaneously help and complicate the situation, so I would like to avoid that ATM.

Currently, the kids stay with me independently once a week, I am planning to take them out more on my own, but I have been so happy to trade this for full family time with W too, she has ended up with all the power.

This is very hard and very counter-intuitive but thanks to this board I have finally started doing this and becoming the best man I can be, for myself, my kids and my future R.