Reading over your recent post, I see how your W is still thinking very selfishly. The things she says to you sound very much like WW's in other threads. They have a way of giving a backhanded explanation that somehow makes the LBH feel guilty, while in the same breath tell him how she's going to continue happily living a single, wayward lifestyle.
It's still all about her, isn't it. It's all about how she feels.
Hopefully, you are able to make a new life and enjoy the new man you are becoming.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Yes, It is all about how she feels. Guess she feels sad about losing some things like family life etc, but she still wants to go find herself.
Biggest relief for me has been that I have stopped thinking that if we just talk enough, eventually she wants to recon. Im definitely not detached or emotionally stable but I am heading that way.
I have also started to see more how also she contributed the failure of our marriage and what needs to be changed if we ever recon. Naturally old me thinks once in awhile that if I just would have treated her better, probably she would have not acted how she did in our M but soon I realize that I just did not know then what I know now and let the thought be.
And as said, even though setbacks will happen, time truly seems to help. Very very slowly, but still.
Hopefully I learn to shut my mouth soon... So yesterday we had parents event in our sons new school which he starts at fall. All went good, I was upbeat and we were cordial to each other as usually. I noticed that she was dressed up very nicely, got some new clothes and make-up in a way she usually never had during daytime when we were together. She also wore high heels, which I always loved on her, but she always told how they hurt her so I never actually said that I like that she wears them since I did not want her hurt. Well, we dropped by in grocery store together on our way to separate ways, and obviously it bothered me so I said to her that it would have been great if you would have been wearing high heels also when we were together, but that I just settled for what it was as usual... I instantly wanted to suck the words back since they came out so needy and judgmental but it was too late. I can tell she did not take my words well either... I know I cannot change past, but made decision I never comment anything that way again. But what do you say, would you comment WW on positive way, i.e you look nice, or you have nice shoes? Or would that just make more harm so that it would be better not say anything in that nature?
After my WW recently said that she wants to start dating others, I also decided that I can start to talk to other women, even though I will not be ready for dating any time soon.
So today I was having coffee with a woman that I know from my previous job. We chatted about couple of hours and she expressed that she has always wanted me sexually, but how I always appeared unattainable. She went on saying that she dont want to regret that she never slept with me when she is old (odd..). Well I replied that sure I felt physically attracted to her, since she is physically very hot woman but that I did not feel ready for it. Then she asked me to let her know whenever I am ready
I know Im not ready in dating at all now, and would not date this girl even if I would be ready due to personality issues (also dont really like ladies being that pushy), it would only be relieving sexual pressure and feel womans body next to me. Also knowing how nasty my WW betrayed me, sex with this woman could help me to mentally detach from her IDK. And as I mentioned earlier, WW wanted to openly start dating others, so who knows what she does and with whom, so I dont count our wedding vows legitimate any longer.
On the other hand I have systematically avoided everything that makes me feel emotionally worse, i.e. hangovers and unhealthy lifestyle. It would feel weird to have sex with anyone else than W after been faithful to her for so many years. So its hard to say what kind of feelings I would have afterwards and I dont want to risk my healing process and feel emotionally bad.
How have you others figured out having sex, and if you have had it, has it disturbed your healing process?
Yes, exactly since I have been married and I never even flirted with other women.
What it comes to if I want to have some physical my body says yes but my brain says its weird. That was my point if more experienced DBers have experience if it disturbs healing.
After my WW recently said that she wants to start dating others, I also decided that I can start to talk to other women, even though I will not be ready for dating any time soon.
Well it's a fine line to walk, I kind of started the same way with just thinking "maybe I'll start talking for now" but once you go there things escalate very quickly. We're just very starved for affection after BD, especially many months later since we probably have not been having sex with our W either. I started seeing women a little over a year after BD and in retrospect I can see I still wasn't ready, there were still a lot of feelings there for W that interfered with new relationships. It's different for every person, I've known people that bounced back really fast and others that still can't or won't date years later. Anyway, I'm just saying be sure you're ready because once someone starts pushing the right buttons you're going to be diving in.
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I know Im not ready in dating at all now, and would not date this girl even if I would be ready due to personality issues (also dont really like ladies being that pushy)
Why is this reminding me of The 40-Year-Old Virgin's boss
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Also knowing how nasty my WW betrayed me, sex with this woman could help me to mentally detach from her IDK.
I suspect if you did it for that reason you've just feel scummy afterwards. I've never been one to have sex just for the hell of it, I have to have a deep connection with her first. Anything else and the sex just feels cheap and meaningless.
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It would feel weird to have sex with anyone else than W after been faithful to her for so many years.
Yup, it absolutely feels weird. It's hard to describe, but you feel like you are the one having an affair. It was really tough for me to perform at first. It just felt "wrong".
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How have you others figured out having sex, and if you have had it, has it disturbed your healing process?
I don't think it hurt my healing process any, but like I said it just felt strange and not very fulfilling. I'm many year's D'd now and have been in my current R for 3 years or so, and at this point sex with my GF seems normal (and I might add, MUCH more intense and exciting then it ever was with my ex) and remembering sex with my ex seems very strange, distant and a little alien. So you will be able to enjoy sex again, it just takes a while to adjust after you've been in an LTR.
I have thought this and made decision than I will not compromise my values and go for meaningless sex with meaningless person. I am pretty sure it would make me feel emotionally empty afterwards and thats not what Im looking for right now. I have just taken my first baby steps towards life on my own and want to maintain my self respect even WW decided to choose her ways differently.
And speaking of WW, she is SO angry to me atm. Will see her again at Sunday when we switch turns with kids so maybe I journal then more how it went. But nevertheless she has some odd phase going on. Dont know if it is because I had pulled back or does she feel guilt... or maybe it has something to do with her new dating lifestyle IDK. But mad she is, like never before. I have just focused in maintaining my cool.
good advise for validating! I answered that and she replied that: -its exactly how I feel-.
Yep, I do not expect that to be anything else than ensuring Im still available when it suits her agenda. Sure it [censored] but I have overcome my biggest challenge to express my emotions to her. Even she says she is interested, deep down she is only interested in herself.
She has rented an apartment with another WW and and invited me and kids to housewarming party with another WWs LBS. Of course that was only to us and friends would come later. Anyway, I did not feel ok going to her partyflat and to be honest - not even interested. So I said thank you but no thank you. Clearly she was disappointed about it, but why should I go just to make her happy...
Lol, go to her housewarming party? A party for and by women who can't be the wife they promised to be? And you're supposed to show up as a....friend???
I would have wanted to tell her to "get lost" or something like that.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
